Sunday, December 17, 2017

Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 3

Continuing my storehouse of silly things my gaming group have said over the years...

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker] GM: "Wow, the cyclops has +41 Perception."
Player: "Not depth perception."


[Star Wars: A New New Hope] 
The group includes a droid named A-R-D, usually pronounced "Ahrd". 
GM: "To hit ARD..."
Player 1: "Would that be a ThARD roll?"
Player 2: "It's not that ThARD."

(In previous versions of D&D, there was a statistic known as Thac0, commonly pronounced "Thack-Oh", which stood for "To hit AC 0". This was used to determine whether an attack was successful. Only old-school D&D players would get this pun.)


[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
The warlock character was a teenaged boy who hadn't yet figured out how to talk to girls. He met up with one of the other PCs at a tavern, where his friend was dining with a pretty girl who kept trying to talk to the warlock. The warlock was very embarrassed.
He had a very pale complexion, so when the GM said the girl kept talking to him, the player described him as blushing bright red. The other players all had fun having their PCs make comments about why the warlock was so red, and asking him if he was sick.
The warlock had also taken the 'Mask of Many Faces' eldritch invocation, which allowed him to use 'disguise self' at will. During the discussion of his blushing:
Fighter: "You could have used your 'disguise self' to make yourself look like yourself, only without the blush!"

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
The party had just slain three thugs who tried to ambush them in the street. The wizard had blasted one of them with a 'witch bolt' spell. After he died, she was so angry she blasted his corpse a second time. 
GM: "The corpse jerks and dances. See, the dead can dance!"

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
The group has a running joke from an old Star Wars campaign - when someone gets killed in Star Wars, we say, "Smoke comes out his blaster hole".
The Fighter in this D&D game is the GM of the Star Wars game. After the corpse was blasted a second time: 
Fighter: "Smoke rolls out of his 'witch bolt' hole."

[Star Wars: A New New Hope]
Player 1 (singing): "Killing them softly with our guns, killing them softly with our guns.."
Player 2 (playing a droid): "I'm not killing them. I'm aggressively deactivating them."

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
The warlock has just demonstrated his newly-acquired ability to cast 'disguise self' at will.
Rogue: "You could be the king of dine-and-dash!"

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
Wizard: "I cast 'witch bolt'."
Fighter: "Which bolt do you cast?"

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
The fighter and wizard got into a fight with a group of thugs. One of the thugs was named Ali the Weasel. After Ali the Weasel was knocked down, the wizard cast 'sleep' on him. Then the fighter picked him up and dumped him in a cart full of chamber pot offal.
Rogue: "His name's Ali Smelly ben Smelly now."

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
The warlock demonstrates to the other PCs that he can communicate with them telepathically.
Fighter: "Can you hear what I'm thinking?"
Rogue: "You'd have to have a thought."

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
GM: "You've got two lizards on ya."
Player: "Two lizard lasagna?"


[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
The ranger was up in a tree, shooting at things. A fire toad set the tree on fire. 
Player: "Doesn't this tree have treevasion?"


[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
Two players were talking about a third player whose PC was recently the victim of a 'magic jar' spell, which trapped his consciousness in a container and left his body an empty husk. 
Player 1: "This is your favorite body?"
Player 2: "It's where he keeps all his stuff."

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
The players were attempting to remove an evil sigil from a tree. 
Player 1: "The tree doesn't expect that. I attack its limbic system."
Player 2: "Let's get to the root of it!"
Player 3: "Please, just leaf."

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
The group encountered a portal to a realm of evil and were trying to determine how to permanently close or destroy it. The players were speculating on what their enemies would do when they found their portal unusable. 
Player 1: "This portal is out of warranty. We can't work on it."
Player 2: "We don't support Interdimensional Portal version 2.0."

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
The players had found two interdimensional portals in close proximity. These portals were both represented by doors, which they assumed were used to make the portal locations more obvious. They discovered that the portals could be moved, so they thought at first they could bury the portals. But they found that it was only possible to move the portals horizontally,  not vertically, so they couldn't tip the doors over on the ground and cover them with earth. 
Then one of the players had a brilliant idea: they would push the two doors together, face-to-face, and encase them in stone using a 'stone shape' spell. Any creature emerging from one portal would immediately be shunted through the other. 
When last they checked the location, their enemies still hadn't sent anyone to reset the two portals.

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
The GM read the players some information about the abilities of hydras. 
GM: "A hydra can always see you coming, even if he's too fat to move."
Player (as hydra): "'I can see you. Don't make me get off this couch.'"


Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 4

[Pathfinder] Wrath of the Righteous, part 25: Champions of Iomedae

A nabasu and two babau demons had just magically appeared beyond the shattered statue of Iomedae in the courtyard next to the chapel's living quarters. When the nabasu demanded to know where Nulkineth was, Zosta responded, "Is Nulkineth the half-demon who was here? He ran away like a coward." This prompted the demon to growl, "I'll eat him later, But now I need sacrifices." Jiro retorted, "This shrine will be restored as a holy place dedicated to Iomedae. You should leave." One of the two babau reacted to Jiro's statement by plunging the area where all of the Crusaders stood into darkness. But Jiro and Zosta had both consumed potions earlier that were still affecting them, and they and Runa could still see. Only Asami, Aron, and Sosiel were dismayed by the darkness.

Immediately after the darkness fell, the nabasu cast a spell, which only Jiro could see to recognize. Before he could shout out a warning the magic had touched all of the party members. But all of them were able to resist it with the exception of Sosiel, who was held in place and could do nothing. The babau that had caused the darkness moved toward where Runa and Zosta stood. Nurah maneuvered around to the area outside the darkness and began to sing to bolster her allies, but after her companions her the words of her song they realized that it was meant not to aid them but to help the demons! She sang of the desire to visit the Abyss and to gain revenge on those who had wrongly accused her.

When Nurah began to sing, Jiro said in his native language that only Asami could understand, "If you have it a fog could conceal us." Runa moved toward the nabasu and cast a spell that caused a burst of brilliant light to momentarily dispel the darkness and also harmed the demons with its holiness. Runa then used one of her divinely-granted abilities to make herself stronger and tougher. While she did this the second babau moved around the statue on the side that was outside the darkness, heading toward Irabeth, who was still too weak to fight.

Zosta assaulted the nabasu with her fists, and a moment later Asami cast the spell Jiro had mentioned, filling the area between herself and the statue with a dense mist. She realized that there was light behind her, so she took a step back out of the darkness and drew a wand from its sheath, preparing to grant her comrades protection against the evil demons.

The first babau stepped behind Zosta into a flanking position with the nabasu, which clawed and bit at her. Aron stopped fretting over Sosiel's immobility long enough to shout angrily at Nurah, "You bitch! I'll kill you for this!" Jiro drew a weapon, cast a spell on it, and moved to defend Irabeth from the babau, but his attack failed to penetrate its hide. The babau stepped away and Asami's mist dissipated, dispelled by the demon. Runa slashed the first babau with her enchanted sword and then cast a spell of protection on herself.

Aron drew a dagger and threw it at Nurah. It hit her but failed to disrupt her song. Zosta had triggered the flames of her gauntlets, and to her surprise the fire seemed to actually harm the nabasu, even though she knew that most demons were less vulnerable to fire. Asami, able to see Aron throw the dagger at Nurah, reacted by summoning a sphere of whirling wind full of leaves and twigs and sent it at Nurah, battering her with the flying debris.

A darkness still surrounded the babau nearest to the nabasu, which prevented Asami from seeing the babau jump away from Runa to stab Zosta from behind. A wave of energy flowed out from the nabasu toward Jiro, Runa, and Zosta. When it touched Zosta she collapsed. Asami was focused on her sphere of wind, and saw Nurah step away from it and draw out a scroll. She heard Jiro call out in her direction, "Help Zosta!" Then he moved toward the babau nearest to Irabeth, summoning a shield of stone to protect himself and swinging his mace at the demon.

Meanwhile from the darkened area Runa could still see that a single missile of force somehow struck the nabasu, though she couldn't tell where it came from. She stepped forward to attack the nabasu again. Asami saw Aron suddenly desert Sosiel and run toward the front of the shrine. Just as he did so Sosiel began to move and called out to him, asking him where he was going. Aron answered that he was going to get help from the paladins.

Asami didn't turn to look, instead directing her sphere of wind to press Nurah against the stone wall behind her and then using her wand on Sosiel. Nurah read the scroll she held and disappeared from sight. Asami realized that it was a kind of teleportation spell. Beyond Asami's view, Runa felt as if her sword had grown heavier. She felt weaker as well, and she realized that her sword had lost all of its magical properties. She dropped the blade and drew her second sword. Jiro continued to attack the second babau to keep it away from Irabeth. While he fought it he directed Bohgong to get a curative potion from his pack and administer it to the fallen Zosta. The monkey quickly grabbed the vial and ran to pour it expertly into Zosta's mouth.

The first babau suddenly vanished, while the second babau stabbed Jiro in the stomach with its spear. With Nurah gone, Asami sent her sphere at the remaining babau, but the demon resisted the magic and sphere dissipated. Asami then threw her spear at it, but though her aim was true the wooden spear failed to pierce the demon's hide. Suddenly she heard an unfamiliar voice shout, "The demon grew stronger! Jiro, do something about that!" in the Tian language. The nabasu moved toward Jiro, positioning itself so that it was directly opposite the babau and biting at Jiro as the young man moved away and drew out a scroll.

Runa cast a spell to grant her sword divine power and moved to attack the nabasu. Sosiel also moved toward it. Asami shifted her position so that none of her companions stood in line with her and called on the gods to grant her the power to cast a spell she had already used that day. A blast of lightning more powerful that she was ordinarily capable of creating shot from her toward the nabasu. The creature dodged aside but most of the bolt struck it. To Asami's disappointment, the nabasu appeared to be unaffected and she realized that the demon must be impervious to electricity.

The nabasu reacted by causing a silence to fall on the area and began to move back to the other side of the ruined statue. Jiro followed the demon, reading from the scroll he had produced. He had realized that the demon had the ability to drain away the vitality of enemies and grant that same vitality to itself. The scroll's magic stripped away that unnatural life force from the demon. At the same time Runa and Sosiel attacked it as it moved past them. The nabasu and the babau took up positions on either side of Zosta again, as she had recovered enough to get to her feet. The nabasu attacked her, leaving her once again sorely injured but still standing. While Sosiel moved to Runa's side and cast a healing spell on her, Zosta pummeled the nabasu again with her fiery gauntlets. It seemed concerned that her flames were affecting it. Asami took the chance to get behind Zosta and lay a hand on her shoulder, granting her divine fortune.

The nabasu moved again, just as the remaining babau disappeared, the magic that had summoned it depleted. Runa and Zosta both directed their attacks at the nabasu, which began to stagger under their assault. It sent out another wave of negative energy, which only Asami failed to resist. Then it spread its wings and flew straight overhead. Jiro threw the magic dagger they had found in Nulkineth's strongbox at the demon but he missed and the dagger embedded itself in a wall instead of returning to him. A missile shot at the demon from the stable roof but failed to touch it. Runa, knowing that Zosta had the ability to make prodigious leaps, gestured to Zosta that she could give her a boost. Zosta responded by bounding off Runa into the air and slashing the demon's torso open from collarbone to hip. The demon plunged to the ground in a heap and Zosta landed on top of it.

Runa sliced off the nabasu's head to ensure that it was dead. With all of their enemies gone, the party members were able to catch their breath. Sosiel granted them Shelyn's healing blessings, and they began to talk about what Nurah had done and whether she might have been under some compulsion. Jiro revealed that just before she teleported away he had overheard her say, "He's not my boss." Runa then began to shout in her powerful voice, calling for Nurah to come back, telling her that nothing she had done couldn't be forgiven, and apologizing for having accused her of attacking Asami during the night. But Nurah neither responded nor returned.

Jiro and Zosta then decided that they should go after Aron and let him know that all of the demons had been defeated. Jiro had a suspicion that Aron's departure had been due to magical compulsion. They caught up with him just as he reached the waiting army, and he confirmed Jiro's guess; somehow Nurah had been able to compel him, though he hadn't heard her cast the spell. She had attempted it more than once but on the first try he had been able to withstand the magic. Aron was furious with her and wanted revenge, but after Jiro and Zosta suggested that Nurah might also have been compelled to act as she did and that she deserved a second chance, Aron agreed that his husband Sosiel would have wanted him to forgive her. The three of them recruited a group of paladins to accompany them back to the shrine to help clean and re-consecrate it and then made their way back up the cliff stair.

The paladins were told about Nurah's betrayal and advised to give her an opportunity to explain herself if she reappeared. They confirmed that she hadn't returned to the army camp after departing the shrine. While waiting for Jiro and Zosta to return, the rest of the group had begun to remove rubbish from the shrine. Runa attempted to use her magic to restore the damaged statue in the courtyard but was unsuccessful.

The group rested overnight at the shrine and continued their efforts to cleanse it the following day. Once the chapel had been consecrated, Runa noticed that Irabeth's sword Radiance was glowing brighter than before, and Irabeth told her that she felt the sword was both pleased and more aware than it had been previously. Some of the paladins cast divination spells to learn more about what had gone on at the desecrated shrine. They discovered that Nulkineth was indeed the half-demon, and that he had been taking captives and transforming them into ghouls to create an army. It was likely that the area around the shrine had many ghouls roaming it. The paladins also performed divinations to learn more about Nurah's actions, but their efforts brought mixed and uncertain results. Until she reappeared, the Crusaders wouldn't know if the halfling bard had betrayed them of her own free will or had been forced to do so by the demon.

Next: part 26, Vermin From the Abyss

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

[Pathfinder] Wrath of the Righteous, part 24: To Cleanse the Chapel

In the aftermath of the battle with the ghouls inside the desecrated chapel, few of the Crusader group had even set foot inside the chapel. As they stood trying to catch their breath in the space between the chapel entrance and the side wall of the ruined stable, they spied the winged half-demon that Bohgong had encountered beyond the chapel. The half-demon was now emerging from an entrance on the other side of the chapel courtyard, accompanied by four ghouls and the ghoul priest who had escaped earlier.

As soon as she saw the half-demon, Asami called a bolt of lightning to strike at him and two of the ghouls that stood in a direct line between her and the half-demon. One of the ghouls immediately collapsed and stopped moving, but the other ghoul that was struck by the lightning continued toward the Crusaders, and the electricity seemed to do the half-demon little harm. The ghoul priest gestured and the bright warm glow of Jiro’s lantern was extinguished, leaving behind an ordinary light that was able to illuminate less area and couldn’t entirely defeat the gloom of the Worldwound. Irabeth murmured a prayer to Iomedae and moved toward the half-demon and his escort, ready to smite the half-demon with the goddess’s divine wrath.

In response the half-demon charged toward the half-orc paladin and met her with claws and teeth that dripped blood and gobbets of flesh as though he had very recently consumed a meal of raw meat. As he attacked Irabeth he sneered, “You are not worthy to be one of us!” Some of the Crusaders suspected that he was calling on the wrath of the demon lord Kabriri to smite the paladin.

Jiro stepped behind Irabeth, surrounding himself in an aura of purity to defend her against the fever carried by the ghouls’ claws as three of the ghouls rushed toward the paladin and Runa. Nurah began to perform a bawdy tune to encourage those fighting the ghouls. Aron and Sosiel conferred for a moment, then positioned themselves behind Runa. One of the ghouls clawed Runa, but failed to inflict her with paralysis. Zosta moved up to trip the ghoul, then stamped it into oblivion. She followed by knocking down the next ghoul and sending it off to the same fate.

Runa laid a hand on Irabeth and surrounded her with a protective aura to fend off evil. At the same time she sent out a wave of energy that gave all of her comrades an instant of speed, allowing them to reposition themselves. Asami decided to follow Runa’s example and took out another wand, tapping Jiro with it to give him the same kind of protection from evil creatures that Runa had given to Irabeth.

The ghoul priest picked up something from the ground and a ray of gray light shot toward Zosta, but it seemed to have no effect on her. Irabeth’s sword failed to connect with the half-demon and he retaliated with his teeth and claws and also with a battle aspergillum that dripped something nasty from the holes in the weapon’s head. The half-demon’s onslaught bore Irabeth to the ground and left her unconscious. Jiro was near enough to see that she was deathly pale from blood loss and her eyes had lost the light of life. He bent down and poured a curative potion between her lips, but at first it appeared that she was too far gone for the potion to make any difference.

Nurah cast a spell on herself and her form became difficult to discern. Then she moved a little closer to the rest of the group. As she was doing this, Zosta became enraged when Irabeth fell and lunged at the half-demon, slamming her bladed gauntlets into his hide with extreme force. After pounding the demon she raced across to the ghoul priest and knocked him to the ground. Runa swung her sword at the half-demon, exclaiming, “When one falls another will take her place!” The half-demon responded, “Let me return the favor!” as he struck at her in return. Meanwhile the ghoul priest clawed Zosta from his position on the ground, leaving her immobilized.

Jiro called on the power of his ancestors to free Zosta from paralysis, then extended some of his healing power to Runa. Asami raised one of her wands, prepared to send missiles at the half-demon if he attempted to cast a spell. Sosiel stepped toward the one remaining ordinary ghoul, cast a spell of divine healing on the still insensible Irabeth, and then attacked the ghoul. Zosta, able to move again thanks to Jiro, slammed her fists and feet into the prone priest until it moved no more.

Asami realized that Runa was beginning to look ragged from the half-demon’s assault. She fired three missiles at him from her wand, but they dissipated just before touching his flesh. The half-demon again clawed and bit Runa, and she slumped to the ground beside Irabeth. Jiro dropped his morningstar and took out a wand, sending a ray of healing toward Runa. She opened her eyes. Jiro murmured to Bohgong to get behind Zosta. Sosiel released a wave of divine energy that healed some of the wounds of his companions, but unfortunately it also healed the ghoul and the half-demon. Aron stepped closer to the half-demon, while Nurah approached Irabeth’s still form and cast a curing spell on her. Irabeth looked a little less pale after that and her eyes were no longer glazed.

Zosta called out to her companions that she could hear more ghouls approaching. The half-demon snarled at his remaining ghoul minion to “Kill the priest” and it moved to claw at Runa, who was still lying on the ground near Aron and Sosiel. Zosta charged the half-demon and punched him hard. Runa, who was conscious again, drew her sword and imbued it with divine fire. Without rising from the ground she used it to slash the ghoul. The ghoul responded by leaving deep claw marks in her leg. Asami began to look for an opening to weaken the half-demon, searching for magical effects that might be protecting him from attack. Jiro reestablished the magic that allowed him to monitor his companions’ wounds and absorb some of the harm done to them, then summoned a weapon of force in the form of a katana and directed it to attack the ghoul threatening Runa.

The ghoul continued to follow its master’s orders and focus all its attacks on Runa. Runa managed to regain her feet despite being badly bitten. She bent to pick up Radiance, the powerful sword Irabeth carried, which had fallen from the paladin’s hand when she was rendered unconscious. When Runa plied Radiance against the ghoul it was finally overcome and sent to join the half-demon’s other servants in death. As Asami began to perceive what magical effects enhanced the half-demon, the area around the Crusaders was suddenly plunged into darkness again. Under cover of darkness the half-demon bit Zosta and slashed her with his claws, injuring her badly enough that she could no longer stand. But before she fell she managed to snatch his aspergillum out of his hand and when she collapsed she landed on top of it.

Asami and Nurah were both outside the range of the unnatural darkness. Both of them were startled when they felt something brush past them, but they saw no creature. Within the darkness the demon stepped away from where he had previously stood, and Runa, whose orcish eyes could see despite the lack of light, moved past Aron to pursue the enemy. Asami called on her magic to banish the darkness. Jiro used his power to heal himself and sent his magical katana after the half-demon. The demon responded to this by darkening the area a second time, attacking Runa, and then using his wings to fly away. Runa saw that he was clearly sorely wounded as his flight was unsteady. She ran after him, but he swiftly flew out of the courtyard through a breach in the wall and disappeared from view around the corner of the chapel’s living quarters. Burdened by her heavy armor and her injuries, Runa reached the corner of the building too late to see where he had gone.

Now that the Crusader group had no immediate enemies in sight, Asami and Nurah told the others about the unseen presence they had felt. Jiro swallowed a potion that would allow him to see if another area of darkness barred their way. Runa returned to the group and handed Radiance back to Irabeth, who was now conscious after being healed by Sosiel’s magic and Nurah’s, but the paladin was very weak. Jiro used his magic to help Zosta recover and heal some wounds that had been done to Sosiel. He also gave a wand to Nurah to use to further heal the rest of the group members.

By this time the members of the group had depleted much of their healing magic and protective spells, except for Asami, who had cast few spells during the fighting with the ghouls. Zosta wondered if they should rejoin the army and rest overnight to restore themselves before attempting to fight whatever else might be lurking in the chapel’s other rooms. But Irabeth felt a strong compulsion to cleanse the chapel as soon as possible despite her weakened state.  Jiro, Runa, and Zosta all suspected this compulsion was being transmitted to her by her sword Radiance. Asami also argued that they should remain at the chapel until it was cleared, for fear that the half-demon might be able to heal himself and call reinforcements if they left. Jiro agreed with her, and after discussion Runa and Zosta were convinced as well.

When their next action was decided, Jiro cast a spell on Runa to give her skin the durability of tree bark, and another spell on Zosta that would enable her to act even more heroically than she ordinarily could. He also determined that the ghoul’s claws had inflicted her with a fever, but she had no symptoms yet and the illness would have to be dealt with later. Zosta swallowed a potion to allow her to see in darkness. She picked up the half-demon’s weapon, which he had abandoned because it had been trapped under Zosta’s body, and Asami determined that it had magical properties.

Once everyone had prepared as best they could, the group re-entered the chapel. As they advanced toward the set of double doors near the altar, Aron pointed out that if the chapel’s cache of supplies still existed it would probably be hidden beneath the altar. The group paused to search for it. They found a lead-lined compartment under the altar that was filled with dozens of curative potions, enough to supply their small army. The lead lining had hidden the potions’ magical aura from their enemies. The party members quickly removed all the potions, storing them in Zosta’s magic bag and Runa’s enchanted knapsack. Asami took two potions for her own use, as did several of the others.

With the supplies found, the party moved on to the double doors and Zosta kicked them open. The doors opened into a large room that held long stone trestle tables and the remains of wooden benches, and had probably served as the dining hall for the clerics who once lived there. A rope hung from a small opening in the ceiling, presumably leading to the bell they had heard ringing earlier which must once have been used to call the clerics to meals. The tables had been equipped with leather straps and were stained with blood and other substances, suggesting that the demonic occupiers had been using the dining hall as a torture chamber. But the room was currently unoccupied.

The group moved on to the next door at one end of the dining hall. Zosta pressed her ear against it, then kicked it open when she heard nothing from beyond it. The party members’ noses were assaulted by the stench of decay as they witnessed two human corpses hanging from hooks attached to the ceiling. The bodies still wore items indicating they might have been soldiers, but both had clearly been dead for some time. The room they hung in had once been the kitchen.

The Crusader party left the kitchen and moved to a second door exiting from the dining hall. Before they tried the door, Runa softly asked Irabeth if she might borrow Radiance to combat any enemies they met. Irabeth was clearly too weak to wield the sword herself. But Irabeth responded that she currently felt a very close bond with the sword and was unwilling to let go of it. Jiro surmised that it was only the power of the sword that gave her the strength to walk, and even then she needed Aron and Sosiel to support her.

It occurred to Runa that she could use the enchantment her shield held to good effect if there were more ghouls inside the structure, which seemed likely as the party members could hearing moaning. When the next door was opened Runa proceeded through ahead of the others. She stepped into a room occupied by several broken cots, where two undamaged bunks had been pushed together to make a larger bed. When Runa entered the bunkroom, two ghouls that had been stationed on either side of the door stepped forward. Runa’s companions had been warned to stay back and they weren’t affected by the brilliant glare that suddenly shone from her shield, but the two ghouls were left blind. Zosta rushed in to strike one ghoul, and Asami hurled her wooden spear at the same one. The ghoul dropped and Zosta pummeled it into nothing. The second ghoul was quickly dispatched as well.

There was little else of interest in the room. The party members guessed that the two beds pushed together had served the half-demon. They found some human remains that looked as though they had been partly eaten, which might explain the blood and flesh they had observed on the half-demon’s claws.

Beyond the bunkroom the group found what Aron described as a meditation chamber. Its stained glass windows had been shattered. The chamber was under a magical effect that eliminated all sound, but Aron told the others that this wasn’t uncommon in such spiritual places and had likely existed before the demonic forces gained control of this chapel. Besides broken glass, the meditation room contained a few scattered remnants of objects probably taken from prisoners, all of them trampled and discarded.

From the meditation room the group proceeded on to a barren chamber with alcoves in the walls that might once have held statues but now contained leather straps for restraining more captives. This had apparently been the private quarters of the high priest. Besides the straps it contained nothing of note.

The group went out into the courtyard again to make sure that no new enemies had arrived. On reassuring themselves that they were still alone, they decided to search the chapel for any hidden compartments, trapdoors, or secret rooms, as they still didn’t know who or what invisible creature had passed Asami and Nurah earlier. They found no evidence of the creature or any places for it to hide, but a more thorough search of the bunkroom did reveal a strongbox. The box contained thousands of gold pieces, hundreds of silver and copper coins, several valuable gems, a fine holy symbol of the goddess Sarenrae, an enchanted chain shirt, a pennon that held some magical effect, and a dagger. Asami examined all of the objects that had magical auras to determine their properties. When she touched the dagger she felt as if the metal had burned her, and when she let go of the dagger it returned to her hand. After realizing that this must be part of its enchantment, Asami dropped it, repelled by the metal. Her comrades gathered up the other items from the strongbox and the whole group returned to the courtyard.


The Crusaders had just re-entered the courtyard that lay between the stable and the living quarters when suddenly a nabasu demon and two babau teleported into the area. The nabasu immediately demanded, “Where are my sacrifices? Where is Nulkineth?”

Next: part 25, Champions of Iomedae

Saturday, December 9, 2017

[Movie Review] Justice League

Justice League (2017)

Starring: Ben Affleck (Batman/Bruce Wayne), Gal Gadot (Wonder Woman/Diana Prince), Ezra Miller (Flash/Barry Allen), Jason Momoa (Aquaman/Arthur Curry), Ray Fisher (Cyborg/Victor Stone), Henry Cavill (Superman/Clark Kent), Jeremy Irons (Alfred), Ciaran Hinds (Steppenwolf), Connie Nielsen (Queen Hippolyta), Amy Adams (Lois Lane), Diane Lane (Martha Kent), Jesse Eisenberg (Lex Luthor), Joe Morton (Dr. Silas Stone), Amber Heard (Mera), Billy Crudup (Henry Allen), JK Simmons (Commissioner Gordon), Joe Mangianello (Slade Wilson/Deathstroke)

Directed by: Zach Snyder, Joss Whedon

SPOILER ALERT!!!
I am going to spoil the heck out of this movie, so if you haven't seen it and you don't like spoilers, STOP READING NOW!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

I finally got to see Justice League last night, two weeks after it debuted. I'll say right now, I liked it. I was smiling a lot throughout the film and had a big grin on my face by the end. 

I've heard many online comments about how it met with mixed reviews and hasn't had the box office figures that Warner wanted. Well, I don't care. Movie studios have irrational expectations about box office figures for movies. It's amazing that they're ever satisfied. I think most movie reviewers write like cranky old farts who want every movie to be Citizen Kane. I thought Citizen Kane was boring and I couldn't finish watching it. I like movies to entertain me, and sometimes move me, and I want to leave the theater feeling good. Justice League did that for me.

Here are the things about Justice Leaque did that made me happy: it formed the Justice League (even if they were never called that during the movie). It had characters working together to save the world. Everyone got to show off their powers, including Aquaman, who was not just a guy who can talk to fish. They got over their initial reservations and disagreements and didn't spend the whole movie trying to figure out what to do. They also smiled and laughed, all of them, even Batman. 

I know some people are bothered by Batman not being the grumpy man of few words from many of his animated appearances, or the angsty Batman from the Christopher Nolan films, but I like Batman having a sense of himself as the odd one out in a world of these superhuman beings. He's like the audience surrogate. I also liked that he realized he can't do it forever, and I hope the future DC films follow up on that thought. To bring the DCU movies out of the dark place they'd gone, Batman had to lighten up, and I'm okay with that.

I know some other people are also bothered by the idea that Diana spent a century moping about Steve Trevor, too. But the DC movie universe has established that no one had ever seen a superpowered being prior to the appearance of Superman, so they had to explain how no one had seen Wonder Woman since WWI some way. 

Initially I was a bit bothered that none of the characters but Batman and Superman were ever referred to by their superhero names. But after I thought about it, it made sense. Flash, Aquaman, and Cyborg were just making their first public appearances, so they wouldn't have superhero names. No one called Diana Wonder Woman during her solo movie, either.I do hope the trend of always addressing each other by their real names doesn't continue if there are other Justice League movies, though. 

One trend carried over from the Nolan Batman films that I particularly delight in is Snarky Alfred. I enjoyed Michael Caine as Alfred in those films, but Jeremy Irons as the ultra-competent and sharp-tongued Alfred is a joy, and I like how there is clearly more of an equal relationship between adult Bruce and Alfred. It feels like a grown-up version of the Alfred from the Gotham tv series. JK Simmons was nice as Commissioner Gordon, too. I regret that he didn't get more screen time, but this is not a Batman movie so the focus shouldn't just be on Batman's supporting cast. Having time to show Barry Allen visiting his father in prison and Victor Stone working out some resentment with his dad was good, too. I felt like the whole theme of the film was teamwork, and how one person can't do it all, as Bruce implies to Aquaman when they first meet, and that theme was exemplified well by showing the relationships between these characters and other people in their lives.

Of course, you can't have a Justice League without Superman, but the film surprised me by bringing him back earlier and in a different manner than I had expected. I thought he was just going to burst out of his grave in Kansas during the last five minutes, revealing that he wasn't quite dead after all and his Kryptonian physiology had just been regenerating slowly because he didn't have access to sunlight. Instead the team had to make a hard decision, with Batman pushing the hardest to use Kryptonian tech and a Mother Box to reanimate him. I thought that was an interesting twist on Batman's attitude in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, but obviously if we'd gone on with that version of Batman he would never have wanted to work with any of those people. It seemed right that Bruce would be the one to suggest it. It would have been out of character for anyone else, even if he did get the idea from Cyborg. Bruce is the tactician, and finding a way to bring in the biggest weapon is a tactic. 

I also really enjoyed that the "Big Guns" he called in to calm an angry freshly-revivified Clark was not a kryptonite shard this time, but Lois Lane. That reinforced the theme of family and relationships again. 

The film had a lot of fun with Barry Allen as kind of a second audience surrogate, the part of the audience that was geeking out over the superheroic antics. I'm a big fan of The Flash television series, where Barry is a well-adjusted and competent young man, but the movie version isn't that same person. He's been suffering without his dad, he doesn't have a surrogate family, and gaining his powers has made it hard for him to deal with ordinary life. One of my favorite scenes was the team finding Steppenwolf holding hostages in a tunnel, and Barry being too scared to act until Batman told him to save just one person. It was a good Batman line, and it was the right direction for Barry. He's not the guy who punches people, he's the guy who saves people from punches. Having Superman notice Flash zipping up from behind him while being simultaneously pummeled by everyone else was a great scene, too; Barry's comical surprise at realizing Superman could see him was perfect. So was having the movie end with the two of them having a race. That's happened before in the comics and in the Justice League Adventures animated tv series, and it is always charming to me.

Now I can't say the film was entirely without flaws, but the quibbles I have with it are few. Probably the biggest is the foolishness of casting a fine actor like Ciaran Hinds as your villain and then covering him in CGI and vocal distortion so that it could be anyone acting that part. I know Steppenwolf is much larger than a normal human, but there are practical ways they could have done that, the same way Marvel has Mark Ruffalo as the Hulk in their movies. I would also have liked Steppenwolf to be fleshed out a bit more. The movie needed a villain like Loki, with a personality, instead of a generic bad guy wanting to destroy the world.

I also felt that it would have been better to have the final big fight happening in or near a bigger population center, rather than a largely abandoned city somewhere in Eastern Europe that was obviously meant to be Chernobyl. I'm guessing they wanted to get away from the huge fight between Superman and Zod in Metropolis during Man of Steel, and maybe not have to deal with all the property damage. And perhaps they also wanted to point out further the detail that Aquaman comments on, that the people who live there only do so because they have nowhere else to go. The Justice League aren't just heroes for the rich and famous or for big cities in First World countries. They are heroes for the entire planet, even parts of it the rest of the world pretends don't exist.

There are a couple of really minor complaints in addition to these, the first of which is the Henry Cavill mustache mess. Apparently Cavill had grown a 'stache for another role, and wasn't permitted to shave it off for his scenes in this movie. So they digitally removed it, which ended up making him look a bit weird. Maybe I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't heard about it in advance. I had also heard in advance about the Amazon bikini costumes that were designed for this movie. The movie really didn't need that, and it seemed like a poor choice, thought not enough to ruin the movie for me. 

Those complaints aside, I really did like this movie. I didn't feel any of the characters were too far from their comic-book origins, it made the setting feel like a bigger world, one that contains Themyscira and Atlantis within it even if the rest of the planet doesn't know about them, it made Darkseid an ominous looming threat, Batman stopped being such a jerk, Aquaman learned to play well with others, Barry has some friends, and Diana will stop hiding from life. That's all good in my book. I hope DC doesn't give up on this just because it didn't make as much money for them as they wanted. I will certainly go to see another Justice League film as long as they keep it in this vein. 

I give Justice League four thumbs up out of a possible five.






Monday, December 4, 2017

Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 2

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
GM: "You guys kill me."
Player: "Well, we try, but you keep ambushing us."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
GM: "So you'll trust the bloodthirsty goblins but not the harpies. You guys kill me."
Player: "We kill you? How much XP do we get?" 
GM: "Well I'm not a very good GM so my CR (challenge rating) must be pretty low."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
Player: "Everyone's got a role in the party. Mine is to roll ones."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
GM: "As you look around, you see other shelves on the mountainsides."
Player 1: "Great, we're on a display shelf!"
GM: "It's a diorama."
Player 2: "A dire-rama?"

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
Player 1: "I don't want to see harpies dancing."
Player 2: "It's better than listening to them sing."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
Player 1: "I'm going to spell and run."
Player 2: "What are you going to spell?"
Player 1: "F-i-r-e-b-a-l-l."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
GM: "Something emerges out of the shadows."
Player 1: "I hate those guys."
Player 2: "What the hell is that!?"
Player 1: "One of those guys I hate."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
On one occasion we were trying to figure out what to send to someone via a 'message' spell, which has a limit of 25 words. These were some of the suggestions:
"The trip's been easy so far."
"There's a great price on shoes here."
"That sandwich I had for lunch was delicious."
"Stay away from power lines."
"Oh my gawd, what the hell is that?!!"
"Aaaaarrrgggghhh....!"
"Our party leader is insane, my job is impossible."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The inquisitor of Cayden Cailean used an enchanted dwarven mug as his preferred weapon. 
Inquisitor: "I've got my mug that is cold, flaming, and exuding divine fury."
Ranger: "What kind of coffee drink is THAT?!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
GM to cleric: "You're pretty good with aminals - animals... like I am with talking."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
GM (speaking as an NPC): "There are no rose-colored glasses here." (Looks at a player) "Take those off."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
GM (describing the devil attacking the party's fighter):
"The big creature pulls out his nastiness and thrusts it at you."
Player 1: "Ew, he's thrusting his nastiness at you!" 

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Player 1: "The devil's running on adrenalin now."
Player 2: "No, he's running on infernalin."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
One of the players painted a mini of the campaign's major villain, a cyclops, and had it sitting on the table even though the villain NPC wasn't present during that part of the game. During combat the player moved the mini closer to the party minis. 
Player 1: "Stop moving that mini closer! I don't want to see him that close."
Player 2: "But he has bad depth perception. He can't tell how far away he is."
Player 3 (speaking as the cyclops): "I'm not that close."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
A devil arrived in a wagon drawn by undead horses. 
GM: "The horses have already been risen twice."
Player: "They're leavened horses."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Player 1 (to the inquisitor): "Did you bane today, dear?"
Inquisitor: "I baned twice."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
A player-character was being affected by a 'heat metal' spell that caused his metal armor to become extremely uncomfortable, but was in no way life-threatening.
Player: "Do you want me to get out a burning skeleton mini to replace him?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Player 1: "Let's take the eyes out of that statue."
Player 2: "I get out my greataxe."
Player 1: "Let's take the eyes out of that statue carefully."
Player 2: "Okay, I'll use my smallest axe."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The alchemist has a familiar named Cyst. 
Player: "It's his a-Cyst-ant."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Player 1: "We're here to get the bow. Everything else is a bonus."
Player 2: "A bow-ness?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party alchemist loves to dissect things. The party were just attacked by some spirit wolves. 
Alchemist: "I want to know what was inside of those spirit wolves."
GM: "Bourbon."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Player 1 to Player 2 (who's running an elf):
"You can't sleep unless you've got your arms around a tree."
Player 2: "I like waking up with morning wood."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
One player is running a character named Dom. He was expressing some doubts about our plans. 
Player: "Okay, Doubting Domus."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party had come upon a wizard's lair that was guarded by a giant. By this point the party  fighter was unconscious, the giant was in bad shape, and the inquisitor was technically dead after being pummeled unconscious and then set on fire.
GM: "The giant is hurting. He can barely keep his eyes open."
Fighter: "I don't notice because I can't keep my eyes open."
Inquisitor: "At least you have eyes."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party oracle had done a 'holy smite', but unfortunately one of the PCs who wasn't good-aligned happened to be within the smiting area. 
Oracle: "You take three points of damage."
Other player: "Ow! I'm dead."
Oracle: "Seriously?!"
Third player: "He had a pre-existing condition. It wasn't covered by his insurance."
(This was probably much funnier to me and the oracle's player than to anyone else. I work for an insurance company, and the oracle's player works for a healthcare organization.)

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party's alchemist had been caught in a 'magic jar' effect, and the party members had yet to figure out how to free him. Just after this unfortunate even occurred to the alchemist, the party acquired a 'corspe carrying bag', which magically preserves corpses. 
After the party finished fighting several shadow demons:
GM: "The shadow demons could do 'magic jar' once a day."
Player: "Now I'm imagining the entire party in the corpse carrying bag and the halfling slowly dragging all our bodies back home!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party had entered a room that they had to access by swimming through a submerged passageway and climbing up a flight of steps. The room was occupied by a couple of large zombies. The GM described a horrible stench in the room, then asked for Fortitude saves.
The party cleric failed his save, and the player described the character as vomiting.
Player: "Are the wet stairs difficult terrain?"
GM: "No."
Player: "What about the space next to the cleric?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The adventuring party found an NPC commoner being held prisoner in a dungeon. The GM gave the NPC to one of the players to run, because the party would be in the dungeon for days and it was located in a wilderness far from the commoner's home, so the party members couldn't very well send him off on his own.
The commoner had an unusual surname. The player who was given him to run was intrigued by this name, and decided to give the NPC a backstory in which his grandfather was a former adventurer who told tall tales. But when the player tried to introduce this backstory to the rest of the group, he received this response:
Player 1: "You have a grandfather. That implies you have a backstory. That's all you need."
Player 2: "You must be this level to have a backstory." (holds his hand out as if indicating height) 

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
While discussing what 'stone salve' does: 
"If your stoneskin lasts more than four hours, contact your cleric."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party found a room containing a statue of a cyclops with one hand over its eye. Player 1 went to investigate the room. 
Player 1: "I gesture for you all to come into the room. It's safe."
Player 2: "You'll have to gesture pretty hard. We're not looking at you."
Player 3: "We're all like this." (puts his hand over his eyes)

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The inquisitor used his 'door sight' ability to look through the door of another room. 
Inquisitor: "Inside the room there's something in chains."
Three players (in unison): "Alice!"

Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 1

One part of my gaming experience that I leave out of my game summary posts is the amount of joking and kibbitzing my friends and I do during our roleplaying game sessions. We are not an immersive group; we don't demand that players remain 'in character' for an entire session. The game is frequently interrupted by out-of-game chatter, jokes, and puns. Some of these are a bit difficult to explain without context of the players' personalities and/or the game background. But some of the jokes should translate well without so much detailed context, and I've decided to share some of those here. I've been accumulating this information over several years, so I will probably break this up into multiple posts. I've added the game system and campaign name to each quote for clarity.

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Player 1: "If it's a were-creature, how would we know?"
Player 2: "We'd be a-were of it."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM: "It has all the hallmarks of a summoned creature."
Player: "Aw, it's a Hallmark creature - for when you care enough to summon the very best."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "My paladin utters a short prayer to Elishar to heal this vessel and the dwarf gets 30 HP back."
GM: "And Elishar says this vessel is only a quarter full!" (The dwarf had over 120 HP - he'd lost about 80% in a bar fight.)

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM (to player of paladin): "You see no evil in this man."
Other player: "And no trans-fatty acids!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "I cast Bigby's Interposing Paladin."  (There is a spell in D&D called Bigby's Interposing Hand.)

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM: "The chanting you hear is in Abyssal."
Player: "Aw, I don't speak that. What about Goblin?"
GM: "No, that would be Abysmal."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM (to player who failed a save): "You do nothing but babble incoherently."
Player: "Which makes you a GM!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "He's got a scroll of 'atonement'. It's a 'get-out-of-guilt-free' card."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "Sorry, the barbarian is in a rage right now, if you'd like to leave a message."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "Can we get a certificate of authenticity for this sword? Oh, darn, we took it out of the box!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]
Player 1: (after failing a Will save): "I need a cloak of Will."
Player 2: "Nah, everybody just fires at Will."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM: "You guys come in on round 3."
Player: "Do we have to?"



[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM: "This creature, once human, is only lightly covered in burial wrappings."
Player: "It's casual Friday."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
The party cleric's player was trying to determine whether her character was actually holding a weapon. 
Cleric's player: "I probably had the wand out to heal the dwarf."  
(The dwarf was a barbarian/fighter with a notoriously short fuse.)
Other player: "But you might have had your mace in your other hand to pacify him first." 

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Party cleric: "It's been en-eviled. I'm an en-eviler."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Dwarf barbarian/fighter: "I have an uncanny trap sense. Ow! There's one."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Paladin: "The skeleton can claw me."
Dwarf: "It's in their contract. It's a claws."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
The fighter couldn't do any damage to some skeletons. 
Dwarf: "You could pick up a femur and hit it with that. That'd be humerus."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
We had found a room in a pyramid that was full of chariots. 
Wizard: "It's the Ben-Hur room."
Dwarf: "We've Ben-Hur. Let's go to the next room."
Cleric: "Everybody's Ben-Hur."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
After leaving the pyramid, we boarded the solar barge of Re-Harakhty and traveled through the Twelve Hours of Night. 

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
The GM set a mini on top of a salt shaker to show an NPC was flying. 

GM: "She a-salts the ship."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Our paladin had acquired a follower, a lantern archon she called Sunshine.
Paladin: "If we're on the Plane of Positive Energy, Sunshine might know."
Cleric: "But are there any snakes on this plane?" 
(Snakes On A Plane had recently been released when this happened.) 

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Later during the same session
:
GM: "You're in an extraplanar space."
Dwarf's player: "Good thing I brought extra snakes."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Among the crew of the solar barge were three celestial beings called Afu (Afoo), Hu (Hoo), and Saa (Sah). 
Dwarf's player: "I remember who is Hu, but do I see Saa?" 

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Later, dwarf's player again, in a Mr. T voice: "I pity Afu."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
The captain of the solar barge was called Kherp. 
Wizard: "Does Captain Kherp have a phaser?"
Dwarf: "Is it set on sun?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
In another game, our party had come into possession of a magical shovel that could dig a 5' pit each round (a round is 6 seconds long). We found some dead lizardfolk and decided to bury them. 
Player 1: "Digging (graves) is so much work."
Player 2: "It took all of 18 seconds."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Later we found more lizardfolk, still barely alive, with strange puncture marks on their bodies. 
Player to GM: "How big are the punctures? Hummingbird size?"
GM: "Well, there are two of them, maybe like a stirge."
2nd player: "A double-beaked stirge? We should name a tavern 'The Double-Beaked Stirge'."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
We took the injured lizardfolk back home to their island. The lizardfolk who transported us had boats with oars, but they didn't use the oars to propel the boats across the lake. They were moved by some unseen force. 
Player 1: "I pick up the oars to help."
Player 2: "Every time you row you hear someone (under the water) say 'Ow!'."
Player 1: "It's an 'Ow!'-board motor."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Approaching the island, we smelled something appetizing cooking. 
Player: "Is it cake?"
Later a player served some brownies he'd brought to share with the group. 
Player 1: "It wasn't cake (we smelled), it was brownies!"
Player 2: "It took a long time to squeeze them (the brownies) all in."
GM: "Better than squeezing a sprite to get a drink."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The GM, roleplaying the lizardfolk king, asked the party's dwarf alchemist, "Can dwarves hold their breath well?"
Alchemist: "We can. Have you ever been in a dwarven barracks? You need to be able to hold your breath."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
In the same game as above, our group of intrepid adventurers were wandering through the forest and encountered a band of gnomes who were exploring and mapping the area.
Player: "Is one of them named Tom-Tom?"
Later GM (speaking as the leader of the gnomes): "I'll go in any hole I find. Well, they will," (pointing to the other gnomes.)
Player 1: "That's how we lost Tom-Tom."
Player 2: "He went down the hole... Recalculating....!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party's inquisitor tended to jump into combat and stay on the front lines, which meant he got hurt a lot. After this happened again during one session, the following exchange occurred.
GM: "[Inquisitor] is the party's meat shield."
Another player to the inquisitor's player: "You need to be more shieldy!"
Inquisitor: "I'm more of a meat buckler."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
The party had discovered a cave occupied by several beholders.
GM: "You notice a bad smell down here."
Player 1: "What do you suppose the beholders eat down here?"
Player 2: "Beans."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]
The party met a group of people called the Shadow Knives. 
Player to her husband, who was GM of a different game: 
"Didn't you have some Shadow Knives in your campaign?"
Husband: "Whisper Knives, Shadow Knives..."
Another player (singing): "Silent knives, holy knives..."
Player 3 (also singing): "All is calm, as per the spell..."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]
The bard had acquired a creepy fanboy.
Bard: "Oh, great, I've got a stalker."
Other player: "At least it's not an invisible stalker (a type of monster)."
Bard: "With my Spot rolls, it might as well be."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]
GM: "The kidnapper's name is Wedswin T. Fordsworth. Go ahead and say it - his initials are WTF."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]
GM: "You think you planned for everything. Then the players show up."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]
Player: "Aw, it was a denial of service spell!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM: "The dragon appears and the room explodes!"
Player: "I'll have what he had for breakfast!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM: "The character can do that all day."
Player 1: "Unless he's taken underwears."
Player 2: "Boxers or briefs?"
Player 1: "Depends."