Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 2

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
GM: "You guys kill me."
Player: "Well, we try, but you keep ambushing us."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

GM: "So you'll trust the bloodthirsty goblins but not the harpies. You guys kill me."
Player: "We kill you? How much XP do we get?" 

GM: "Well I'm not a very good GM so my CR (challenge rating) must be pretty low."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

Player: "Everyone's got a role in the party. Mine is to roll ones."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

GM: "As you look around, you see other shelves on the mountainsides."
Player 1: "Great, we're on a display shelf!"
GM: "It's a diorama."
Player 2: "A dire-rama?"

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

Player 1: "I don't want to see harpies dancing."
Player 2: "It's better than listening to them sing."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

Player 1: "I'm going to spell and run."
Player 2: "What are you going to spell?"
Player 1: "F-i-r-e-b-a-l-l."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

GM: "Something emerges out of the shadows."
Player 1: "I hate those guys."
Player 2: "What the hell is that!?"
Player 1: "One of those guys I hate."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

On one occasion we were trying to figure out what to send to someone via a 'message' spell, which has a limit of 25 words. These were some of the suggestions:
"The trip's been easy so far."
"There's a great price on shoes here."
"That sandwich I had for lunch was delicious."
"Stay away from power lines."
"Oh my gawd, what the hell is that?!!"
"Aaaaarrrgggghhh....!"
"Our party leader is insane, my job is impossible."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The inquisitor of Cayden Cailean used an enchanted dwarven mug as his preferred weapon. 
Inquisitor: "I've got my mug that is cold, flaming, and exuding divine fury."

Ranger: "What kind of coffee drink is THAT?!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

GM to cleric: "You're pretty good with aminals - animals... like I am with talking."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

GM (speaking as an NPC): "There are no rose-colored glasses here." (Looks at a player) "Take those off."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

GM (describing the devil attacking the party's fighter):
"The big creature pulls out his nastiness and thrusts it at you."
Player 1: "Ew, he's thrusting his nastiness at you!" 

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1: "The devil's running on adrenalin now."
Player 2: "No, he's running on infernalin."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
One of the players painted a mini of the campaign's major villain, a cyclops, and had it sitting on the table even though the villain NPC wasn't present during that part of the game. During combat the player moved the mini closer to the party minis. 
Player 1: "Stop moving that mini closer! I don't want to see him that close."
Player 2: "But he has bad depth perception. He can't tell how far away he is."
Player 3 (speaking as the cyclops): "I'm not that close."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
A devil arrived in a wagon drawn by undead horses. 
GM: "The horses have already been risen twice."
Player: "They're leavened horses."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1 (to the inquisitor): "Did you bane today, dear?"
Inquisitor: "I baned twice."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

A player-character was being affected by a 'heat metal' spell that caused his metal armor to become extremely uncomfortable, but was in no way life-threatening.
Player: "Do you want me to get out a burning skeleton mini to replace him?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1: "Let's take the eyes out of that statue."
Player 2: "I get out my greataxe."
Player 1: "Let's take the eyes out of that statue carefully."
Player 2: "Okay, I'll use my smallest axe."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The alchemist has a familiar named Cyst. 
Player: "It's his a-Cyst-ant."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1: "We're here to get the bow. Everything else is a bonus."
Player 2: "A bow-ness?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party alchemist loves to dissect things. The party were just attacked by some spirit wolves. 
Alchemist: "I want to know what was inside of those spirit wolves."
GM: "Bourbon."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1 to Player 2 (who's running an elf):
"You can't sleep unless you've got your arms around a tree."
Player 2: "I like waking up with morning wood."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

One player is running a character named Dom. He was expressing some doubts about our plans. 
Player: "Okay, Doubting Domus."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party had come upon a wizard's lair that was guarded by a giant. By this point the party  fighter was unconscious, the giant was in bad shape, and the inquisitor was technically dead after being pummeled unconscious and then set on fire.

GM: "The giant is hurting. He can barely keep his eyes open."
Fighter: "I don't notice because I can't keep my eyes open."
Inquisitor: "At least you have eyes."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party oracle had done a 'holy smite', but unfortunately one of the PCs who wasn't good-aligned happened to be within the smiting area. 
Oracle: "You take three points of damage."
Other player: "Ow! I'm dead."
Oracle: "Seriously?!"
Third player: "He had a pre-existing condition. It wasn't covered by his insurance."

(This was probably much funnier to me and the oracle's player than to anyone else. I work for an insurance company, and the oracle's player works for a healthcare organization.)

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party's alchemist had been caught in a 'magic jar' effect, and the party members had yet to figure out how to free him. Just after this unfortunate even occurred to the alchemist, the party acquired a 'corspe carrying bag', which magically preserves corpses. 
After the party finished fighting several shadow demons:

GM: "The shadow demons could do 'magic jar' once a day."
Player: "Now I'm imagining the entire party in the corpse carrying bag and the halfling slowly dragging all our bodies back home!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party had entered a room that they had to access by swimming through a submerged passageway and climbing up a flight of steps. The room was occupied by a couple of large zombies. The GM described a horrible stench in the room, then asked for Fortitude saves.

The party cleric failed his save, and the player described the character as vomiting.

Player: "Are the wet stairs difficult terrain?"
GM: "No."
Player: "What about the space next to the cleric?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The adventuring party found an NPC commoner being held prisoner in a dungeon. The GM gave the NPC to one of the players to run, because the party would be in the dungeon for days and it was located in a wilderness far from the commoner's home, so the party members couldn't very well send him off on his own.

The commoner had an unusual surname. The player who was given him to run was intrigued by this name, and decided to give the NPC a backstory in which his grandfather was a former adventurer who told tall tales. But when the player tried to introduce this backstory to the rest of the group, he received this response:

Player 1: "You have a grandfather. That implies you have a backstory. That's all you need."
Player 2: "You must be this level to have a backstory." (holds his hand out as if indicating height) 

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

While discussing what 'stone salve' does: 

"If your stoneskin lasts more than four hours, contact your cleric."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party found a room containing a statue of a cyclops with one hand over its eye. Player 1 went to investigate the room. 
Player 1: "I gesture for you all to come into the room. It's safe."
Player 2: "You'll have to gesture pretty hard. We're not looking at you."
Player 3: "We're all like this." (puts his hand over his eyes)

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The inquisitor used his 'door sight' ability to look through the door of another room. 
Inquisitor: "Inside the room there's something in chains."
Three players (in unison): "Alice!"