Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 1

One part of my gaming experience that I leave out of my game summary posts is the amount of joking and kibbitzing my friends and I do during our roleplaying game sessions. We are not an immersive group; we don't demand that players remain 'in character' for an entire session. The game is frequently interrupted by out-of-game chatter, jokes, and puns. Some of these are a bit difficult to explain without context of the players' personalities and/or the game background. But some of the jokes should translate well without so much detailed context, and I've decided to share some of those here. I've been accumulating this information over several years, so I will probably break this up into multiple posts. I've added the game system and campaign name to each quote for clarity.

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Player 1: "If it's a were-creature, how would we know?"
Player 2: "We'd be a-were of it."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM: "It has all the hallmarks of a summoned creature."
Player: "Aw, it's a Hallmark creature - for when you care enough to summon the very best."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "My paladin utters a short prayer to Elishar to heal this vessel and the dwarf gets 30 HP back."
GM: "And Elishar says this vessel is only a quarter full!" (The dwarf had over 120 HP - he'd lost about 80% in a bar fight.)

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM (to player of paladin): "You see no evil in this man."
Other player: "And no trans-fatty acids!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "I cast Bigby's Interposing Paladin."  (There is a spell in D&D called Bigby's Interposing Hand.)

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM: "The chanting you hear is in Abyssal."
Player: "Aw, I don't speak that. What about Goblin?"
GM: "No, that would be Abysmal."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM (to player who failed a save): "You do nothing but babble incoherently."
Player: "Which makes you a GM!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "He's got a scroll of 'atonement'. It's a 'get-out-of-guilt-free' card."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "Sorry, the barbarian is in a rage right now, if you'd like to leave a message."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Player: "Can we get a certificate of authenticity for this sword? Oh, darn, we took it out of the box!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]
Player 1: (after failing a Will save): "I need a cloak of Will."
Player 2: "Nah, everybody just fires at Will."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
GM: "You guys come in on round 3."
Player: "Do we have to?"


[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

GM: "This creature, once human, is only lightly covered in burial wrappings."
Player: "It's casual Friday."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

The party cleric's player was trying to determine whether her character was actually holding a weapon. 
Cleric's player: "I probably had the wand out to heal the dwarf."  

(The dwarf was a barbarian/fighter with a notoriously short fuse.)
Other player: "But you might have had your mace in your other hand to pacify him first." 

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

Party cleric: "It's been en-eviled. I'm an en-eviler."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

Dwarf barbarian/fighter: "I have an uncanny trap sense. Ow! There's one."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

Paladin: "The skeleton can claw me."
Dwarf: "It's in their contract. It's a claws."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

The fighter couldn't do any damage to some skeletons. 
Dwarf: "You could pick up a femur and hit it with that. That'd be humerus."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

We had found a room in a pyramid that was full of chariots. 
Wizard: "It's the Ben-Hur room."
Dwarf: "We've Ben-Hur. Let's go to the next room."
Cleric: "Everybody's Ben-Hur."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

After leaving the pyramid, we boarded the solar barge of Re-Harakhty and traveled through the Twelve Hours of Night. 

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
The GM set a mini on top of a salt shaker to show an NPC was flying. 
GM: "She a-salts the ship."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

Our paladin had acquired a follower, a lantern archon she called Sunshine.
Paladin: "If we're on the Plane of Positive Energy, Sunshine might know."
Cleric: "But are there any snakes on this plane?" 

(Snakes On A Plane had recently been released when this happened.) 

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Later during the same session:
GM: "You're in an extraplanar space."
Dwarf's player: "Good thing I brought extra snakes."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

Among the crew of the solar barge were three celestial beings called Afu (Afoo), Hu (Hoo), and Saa (Sah). 
Dwarf's player: "I remember who is Hu, but do I see Saa?" 

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]
Later, dwarf's player again, in a Mr. T voice: "I pity Afu."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

The captain of the solar barge was called Kherp. 
Wizard: "Does Captain Kherp have a phaser?"
Dwarf: "Is it set on sun?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

In another game, our party had come into possession of a magical shovel that could dig a 5' pit each round (a round is 6 seconds long). We found some dead lizardfolk and decided to bury them. 
Player 1: "Digging (graves) is so much work."
Player 2: "It took all of 18 seconds."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Later we found more lizardfolk, still barely alive, with strange puncture marks on their bodies. 
Player to GM: "How big are the punctures? Hummingbird size?"
GM: "Well, there are two of them, maybe like a stirge."
2nd player: "A double-beaked stirge? We should name a tavern 'The Double-Beaked Stirge'."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

We took the injured lizardfolk back home to their island. The lizardfolk who transported us had boats with oars, but they didn't use the oars to propel the boats across the lake. They were moved by some unseen force. 
Player 1: "I pick up the oars to help."
Player 2: "Every time you row you hear someone (under the water) say 'Ow!'."
Player 1: "It's an 'Ow!'-board motor."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Approaching the island, we smelled something appetizing cooking. 

Player: "Is it cake?"
Later a player served some brownies he'd brought to share with the group. 
Player 1: "It wasn't cake (we smelled), it was brownies!"
Player 2: "It took a long time to squeeze them (the brownies) all in."
GM: "Better than squeezing a sprite to get a drink."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The GM, roleplaying the lizardfolk king, asked the party's dwarf alchemist, "Can dwarves hold their breath well?"
Alchemist: "We can. Have you ever been in a dwarven barracks? You need to be able to hold your breath."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

In the same game as above, our group of intrepid adventurers were wandering through the forest and encountered a band of gnomes who were exploring and mapping the area.

Player: "Is one of them named Tom-Tom?"

Later GM (speaking as the leader of the gnomes): "I'll go in any hole I find. Well, they will," (pointing to the other gnomes.)

Player 1: "That's how we lost Tom-Tom."
Player 2: "He went down the hole... Recalculating....!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party's inquisitor tended to jump into combat and stay on the front lines, which meant he got hurt a lot. After this happened again during one session, the following exchange occurred.

GM: "[Inquisitor] is the party's meat shield."

Another player to the inquisitor's player: "You need to be more shieldy!"

Inquisitor: "I'm more of a meat buckler."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

The party had discovered a cave occupied by several beholders.

GM: "You notice a bad smell down here."
Player 1: "What do you suppose the beholders eat down here?"
Player 2: "Beans."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]

The party met a group of people called the Shadow Knives. 

Player to her husband, who was GM of a different game: 

"Didn't you have some Shadow Knives in your campaign?"
Husband: "Whisper Knives, Shadow Knives..."
Another player (singing): "Silent knives, holy knives..."
Player 3 (also singing): "All is calm, as per the spell..."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]

The bard had acquired a creepy fanboy.

Bard: "Oh, great, I've got a stalker."
Other player: "At least it's not an invisible stalker (a type of monster)."
Bard: "With my Spot rolls, it might as well be."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]

GM: "The kidnapper's name is Wedswin T. Fordsworth. Go ahead and say it - his initials are WTF."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]

GM: "You think you planned for everything. Then the players show up."

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Dragonsreach]

Player: "Aw, it was a denial of service spell!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

GM: "The dragon appears and the room explodes!"
Player: "I'll have what he had for breakfast!"

[D&D 3.5 Forgotten Realms - Shadows of Greatness]

GM: "The character can do that all day."
Player 1: "Unless he's taken underwears."
Player 2: "Boxers or briefs?"
Player 1: "Depends."