Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 5

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
As the party were exploring an area full of undead, the shaman heard the sounds of cracking bones and rending flesh on the other side of a wall. Fearing someone was being attacked there, he 'levitated' to look over the wall. Beyond the wall he saw what appeared to be a huge mass of dead flesh and bone that had somehow been fused together. He also saw a creature burrowing its way through this mass from below. He asked the GM if he could identify the burrowing creature.

GM: "Make a Knowledge (religion) check."
Shaman: "I suddenly get religion!"
GM: "It's running down your leg right now."
Shaman: "The river god has blessed me!"
GM: "The river god is blessing everyone standing below you."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The PCs fought a couple of ankhegs. Afterward they discussed whether there might be other ankheg broods in the area.

Shaman: "What's a multiple brood, an emo?"

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The party is made up of a nagaji (serpent-person), a tengu (bird-person), a suli (djinni-human hybrid), and a half-orc. At one point someone jokingly states that all of the characters are cannibals. 
Nagaji's player (looking at the tengu's player): "I hear you taste like chicken."
Tengu's player: "I hear you do, too."
Both players look at each other hungrily and lick their lips.

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
In our Star Wars campaign, the GM makes a crawl for every session, which includes an episode number and title. He plays them on his laptop for the players to read at the start of the session.

One week, he had sent an email to the group to let everyone know what options we had for things to do during our next session. He mistakenly labeled the next session Episode 50, when in fact it was Episode 48. One of the players noticed the mistake and corrected him.

When the session arrived and he cued up the opening crawl, it announced Episode 50, then proceeded to describe a long list of unpleasant things happening to the group, such as being captured by Darth Vader and taken to see the Emperor, culminating with our battle cruiser in flames.

After that he ran the real crawl for the real episode, Episode 48.

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
During a Star Wars game, three of the PCs were flying one-man fighters when they were attacked by some people trying to steal the fighters. One of the PCs piloting a fighter was a droid, who looked rather like Stormtrooper armor (if Stormtrooper armor was red and black). The GM commented that the pilots of the attacking ships were distressed when they saw a droid in the cockpit of one of the small fighters.

Playeer: "How can they tell he's a droid and not a guy in a helmet?"
GM: "He's got those beady red glowing eyes."
Droid: "I'm in Cylon mode."
Player: "So from now on you're running Cylon instead of running silent?"

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
The players got into a discussion of the kind of commands officers give in the Star Wars films, things like "Attack plan Delta" and "Fire at will." The GM was an ex-military tank operator, and he commented that when he was in the military no officer ever told him to "Fire at will," nor did he ever give that command himself - he just said "Fire."
Player: "Did you ever say 'Attack plan Delta'?"
GM: "No, but once I did pop up out of the hatch (of a tank) and ask the driver of another tank, 'Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?'"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The shaman acquired a scroll containing the spell 'magic fang'. He informed the player of the brawler that he could cast that on her character's fists, feet, elbows, or knees. She then began to enthusiastically describe her character pummeling foes with various body parts.

Other Player: "Your opponent has a bad case of Elbowla."

[Pathfinder -  Wrath of the Righteous]
The slayer failed his save versus a fear effect and ran away from the combat at top speed, screaming all the way.

Brawler: "That's not right. [Slayer] usually runs toward a fight."
Slayer: "He runs with style."
Brawler: "Screaming is a style?"
Slayer: "What happens in combat stays in combat!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The warpriest of Iomedae killed a quasit with one blow and made a smug comment about it. 
GM: "Oh, I forgot, when the quasits die they explode. The damage only affects followers of Iomedae."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The Shaman has been affected by a curse that reduces his Charisma. The GM describes him as feeling a bit demoralized as a result. 
GM: "Roll a Diplomacy check."
Shaman: "I feel unworthy." 

Shaman rolls the skill check.

Shaman (sounding depressed): "Twenty-five." (which is a very good result)

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The party is on the move, with the warpriest, brawler, and slayer in front and the wizard and shaman at the back with the NPCs. 
GM: "You've got all the scary-looking PCs in the front of the party."
Shaman: "We're business in front, party in the back."
GM: "You're in mullet formation!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The GM describes a neighborhood the party is passing through as made up of upscale shops. 
Warpriest's player: "You see a shop with just a blank front and a Victoria's secret door."
The shaman's player and the brawler's player simultaneously roll their eyes, look at the GM and say, "Please, continue."

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
In Star Wars, the party's Wookiee character raged and climbed inside an AT-AT full of Imperial Stormtroopers. 
Pilot: "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear."

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
After the Wookiee single-handedly overpowered the commander and pilot and most of the troopers aboard the AT-AT:
Jedi Padawan: "You only need one boarder when your boarder is an enraged Wookiee."

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
The Jedi Force-grabbed the pilot of a AT-ST (the two-legged walking transports) and sent him flying. 
Droid: "I didn't know those things had ejector seats."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Our party included an alchemist with a tumor familiar named Cyst. This happened after Cyst did something during one session.

Fighter: "Cyst a-cyst-ed."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party members acquired some magic items that would allow a single individual to teleport to a specified location with a maximum weight limit of items. There were several such items and each one was capable of transporting a different amount of weight. We were trying to decide who was carrying the lightest gear and could take the items with lower weight limits. The party inquisitor has the Leadership feat. His cohort is a bard, who is also the inquisitor character's wife.

Oracle: "How much weight does [Bard] carry?"
Fighter: "Well, she's always carrying [Inquisitor]."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party alchemist liked to dissect things. A huge demon spider had appeared in front of the party.

Oracle: "Can I make a Perception check to see if [Alchemist] is salivating?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party were trying to figure out if anyone had any teleportation device that could transport one person a long distance away to deliver a message. 
Fighter: "I have a pathway pearl 7."
Cleric: "That's the weight limit, not the distance."
GM: "You could take yourself and one of your axes."
(The fighter uses a double-bladed +1 keen flaming axe.)

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The Alchemist was describing something to another player who was absent during the previous session. 

Alchemist: "Last time we found a 'rod of splendor', if you recall what that does."
Fighter: "It makes your coffee sweet without making you fat."
Alchemist: "That would be a 'rod of Splenda'."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party alchemist as usual had a 'countless eyes' effect active, so he was covered in eyes. 
Inquisitor (to Alchemist): "Try to get some shuteye eye eye eye eye eye."

[Pathfinder -  Mummy's Mask]
One of the players had started the Adventure Path with a rogue, who died at first level when she decided to have everyone else leave the room while she disabled a trap - and then found herself unable to escape while being simultaneously bludgeoned, electrocuted, and drowned.
Later the same player's current character was about to disable a trap located in a small underground chamber. 

GM (to that player): "Are you sure you wouldn't like to have everyone leave the room while you do that?"

[Pathfinder -  Mummy's Mask]
GM: "The man is the lamia's paramour."
Shaman: "There's only one of him. Seems more like a unimour."

[Pathfinder -  Mummy's Mask]
Shaman rolls for Diplomacy. 
GM: "He seems hostile toward you."
Shaman: "I rolled a 3. I seem hostile toward me."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The party entered an ancient temple and ran into some mummies. We defeated them by setting them on fire. During the combat one of the mummies punched the party's druid.

A little while later, after we'd also defeated some cultists and were examining the loot we'd taken from them, the GM asked for a Perception roll from the druid. After the roll result was reported, this exchange occurred:

GM: "You notice a black spot where the mummy hit you."
Druid: "Can I make a skill check to determine if it's mummy rot?"
GM: "Okay, make a Heal check."
Druid: "Thirteen."
GM: "It's some soot from where you set the mummy on fire."

The druid's player had already made a save versus contracting mummy rot earlier, but the GM hadn't informed the player that the save had been successful. 

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
The Star Wars party had split up. The Jedi & Wookiee were fighting stormtroopers on speeder bikes, while the rest of the characters and NPCs had been taken captive by Ewoks, except for the Jedi padawan, who had hidden from the captors.

My husband played the Jedi, and I was playing the Jedi's padawan. When text messaging each other, my hsuband and I often use the poop emoji to indicate disappointment.

Jedi: "I send my padawan a telepathic message: 'I'm okay.'"
Padawan: "I send back, 'Everyone captured but me.'"
Jedi: "I send a poop emoji."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The party had just destroyed a construct that attacked them. It was the bloodrager's adamantine flail that made the final blow. The monk decides to pick up one of the construct's broken legs.
GM: "It has a size 32 foot!"
Shaman: "OMG, look under that kilt!"
Bloodrager: "I shattered it. You're welcome."

[Pathfinder -  Wrath of the Righteous]
The party shaman was originally a gardener on a nobleman's estate. He was initially uncomfortable and timid about using a weapon. As we prepared to face some demons, the bloodrager suggested that the shaman use a morningstar he recently acquired. 
GM: "You get the feeling that fighting with that" (eyes the shaman) "not necessarily effectively..."
Shaman: "Hey, I've been fighting with my eyes open for at least a level now!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The shaman's spirit animal is a monkey. 
GM to shaman: "Your monkey dives into your pack."
Bloodrager: "And then something wet trickles down your back!"
Shaman: "My soup!"
GM: "Is it split pee?"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The slayer was having a bad day. He had failed two saving throws, and a demon had just dealt him a critical attack using a scythe for which the critical success damage mulitplier was x4. 
Slayer (enthusiastically): "I'm dancing in my own blood!"

[Pathfinder] Wrath of the Righteous, part 26: Vermin From the Abyss

In the aftermath of freeing the chapel of Iomedae from the followers of Kabriri, the champions of Kenabres rested overnight, prepared to spend the following day cleansing and restoring the chapel. They also discussed Nurah's apparent betrayal of them by siding with the demons. They still didn't know whether she had done so voluntarily or been compelled. She had also never before shown any sign of the ability to magically compel another person, despite Aron's belief that she had forced him to run for help. Zosta questioned why Asami had attacked Nurah and not one of the babau with her sphere of wind. Asami responded that she had wanted to stop Nurah from giving aid to the demons without doing her much harm, and she had also believed that her spells would have little affect on the babau. Jiro then suggested that Asami could have used that spell to knock the babau away from their targets, which could have denied them the opportunity to flank a single foe. Asami took that suggestion to heart and hoped she would have a chance to use it later.

The next morning Zosta observed Jiro and his monkey Bohgong going through the series of physical movements they performed every day, but on this occasion she paid more attention to it than she had previously. Coming so close to death on the day prior had given her a different perspective. After she completed her own morning stretching exercises, she approached and asked if she could learn some of the routines that Jiro was practicing. The previous day she had been unconscious when the rest of the group heard Bohgong speak, but the others had told her about it so she wasn't shocked when it was the white monkey who replied to her request. Bohgong advised her that they performed this routine at the same time every morning, clearly with the expectation that Zosta would join them from now on. 

While Jiro and Zosta were busy exercising, Asami prepared her spells for the day, including one that would allow her to assist with cleaning the chapel. After Jiro was free, he asked her if she would use her ability to restore some of the magic to one of his wands, and she agreed. She had already used that ability to channel magic back into one of her own wands the previous evening, but Qi Zhong or Iomedae must have looked more kindly on her that morning, as she was able to restore more to Jiro's wand than she'd been able to do for her own.

Meanwhile, Runa gathered up the remains of the broken statue of Iomedae and assembled them together, annointing them with holy water, then encouraged all present to join her in a prayer. After praying with the paladins, she said a prayer of her own, then cast a specially-prepared spell to restore the statue. As she stood with her eyes closed reverently and her hands raised toward the heavens, the statue reassembled itself into its original state, as a figure of Iomedae standing with her hands upraised. When Runa opened her eyes she thought she saw a smile appear briefly on the statue's face before it assumed its original rather stern expression.

The spirits of the group were raised after witnessing the restoration of the statue. Irabeth, who had recovered a great deal of her lost strength, overheard some of the troops referring to her as "unkillable," a rumor that she quickly quashed. The group members all went to work then removing filth from the chapel buildings. Jiro pulled out weeds and dead plants, Asami removed demonic inscriptions, and Zosta carried broken stones and furniture. When most of the clearing and cleaning had been done, Irabeth called on Iomedae's power to consecrate the chapel again in her name. 

The group remained at the chapel another night before continuing on toward Drezen. The following morning Zosta again practiced exercises with Jiro and Bohgong. After they had finished, she was amused to see the monkey suddenly produce a wand from an unknown location and use it to scratch his back. 

In the morning Irabeth sent a bird with a message to Kenabres to inform the rest of the army that the chapel was cleared. Afterward the army from Kenabres set off once more toward their goal, the demon-occupied city of Drezen. When they had traversed approximately 10 miles from the chapel, the scouts preceding the army returned to report that up ahead they had seen a large area filled with green vapor that showed signs of movement within it. Five of the champions from Kenabres went forward with Anevia, Aron, and Sosiel to take a closer look. 

They found the gorge ahead filled from wall to wall by the green cloud. On observing it, Aron identified the creatures moving within it as vescavors, insects from the Abyss. The cloud couldn't disguise that there were innumerable swarms of them milling about. As the group discussed what to do, their combined memories recalled that vescavors always attacked in such swarms, and were difficult to deal with for that reason because they were too small to easily strike with a weapon or targeted magic. They were also more difficult to burn or electrocute than ordinary insects from the Material Plane. It was likely that there were so many of them here because there was a vescavor queen nearby. If the queen could be killed or driven away, the swarms would disperse. 

It was impossible for the army to go around this section of the gorge; the walls were too steep to climb and to circumvent the area would mean going back past the chapel and making a very lengthy detour into territory that was probably infested with demons. The eight companions decided that their best course of action would be to find and dispose of the queen. They had observed some vescavors crawling in and out of openings in the gorge wall, and there were openings large enough that a person could enter them. Aron reassured them that if they moved quietly the swarms wouldn't notice them, so they carefully made their way past the swarms to one of these openings. Anevia went ahead to examine one of the openings, finding that while it was small enough to force them to crouch, it dropped down into a vertical shaft that was larger. She measured the shaft with a rope to determine how deep it was. They decided to set ropes to help them descend as most of the members of the party weren't skilled climbers. Though they worried it would attract attention, they feared the cave would be too dark for most of the party members besides Runa, who could see in the dark, so Asami imbued Zosta's amulet with light and Zosta descended first.

Once they had reached the bottom of the shaft, they found the cave warm and filled with a monotonous droning noise. The walls were covered in a red substance that appeared to be dried mucus, which made the interior of the cave resemble the insides of a living beast. The band began to make their way cautiously along a passage that appeared to open out into a larger chamber. Sadly Runa's heavy armor made moving silently difficult. When she scraped a shoulder guard against the wall Jiro involuntarily gasped. That was enough noise to attract two swarms of vescavors to the area. 

As the vescavors rushed the small band of people, Zosta ran past them into the bigger area. Vescavors surged around Runa and Anevia, who had been walking just behind Zosta. The approach of the creatures was accompanied by a maddening chittering, which left Anevia confused. Zosta hurled a flask of alchemical frost at the swarm, but their sound also confused Bohgong, and Kirara, who began meowing plaintively and squirming about in Asami's pack. Vescavors began to crawl around the corner into the passageway where Asami, Aron, and Sosiel stood. Asami summoned up a sphere of wind to push them back. Sosiel handed a flask of alchemical fire to Aron, who threw it into the vescavor swarm, but the flask's contents did nothing to harm the creatures. Asami could no longer see Zosta, Anevia, or Runa, as they had all gone around a corner into the next area. The swarm closed in on her, skittering around her feet. She felt nauseated. She directed her sphere at them and succeeded in pushing them away from her. She, Aron, and Sosiel all took a few steps back to get away from the creatures' continuously biting mandibles. Asami was covered in bites, which left her weak as well as sick.

Runa called on Iomedae and released a blazing light in the other room, which did more harm to the swarm there than anything else the group had done. A moment later she warned those still in the passage that she intended to do it again. Sosiel cried out when the brilliant radiance left him briefly blinded, but the vescavors were gone.

With the vermin eliminated, the members of the group realized that the vescavors had been gnawing on their clothing and equipment as well as their flesh. They recalled too late that these diminutive creatures were capable of consuming almost any substance, making it even more difficult to combat them directly. They had been woefully under-prepared for this encounter. 

Though they worried that if they left the queen would fill the cavern with more of her spawn, they agreed that it would be wiser to return to camp and prepare with more effective spells before continuing their search for the queen. Jiro had linked his life force to the others to heal them, but he now needed to use his magic to heal the many wounds he had absorbed from his companions. Asami swallowed one of the potions she'd taken from the chapel cache. When everyone was recovered enough to climb up, they left the cave and crept away from the vescavors to get back to the army.

As soon as she had safely returned to the army's camp, Asami approached Aravashnial to ask him if he had access to certain spells she knew of but didn't have transcribed in any of her spellbooks. Her affinity for wood had always led her to avoid learning spells that could conjure fire, but even though she knew the vescavors were resistant to the effect of fire she felt that blasting a larger area with intense flames might be successful in harming them. She had already realized that slaying the queen would be much more challenging than fighting the swarms, and it would be her task to keep swarms away from her friends while they attacked the queen.

Aravashnial did know the spell she desired and he agreed to permit her to copy it from his spellbook into her own. He also had a prepared scroll of the same spell which he offered to her. After thanking him for his help, Asami retired to her tent to scribe a scroll of her own. As the rest of the group made their own preparations, Jiro informed his friends that when they returned to the cave he wouldn't be able to heal them through sacrificing his own life force, because he planned to call on the spirit of an ancestor who had been a wizard rather than the ancestor whose wisdom he usually channeled. Runa also told them that she would go prepared with more of her spells of brilliant light. Equipped with this magic, they hoped they would be able to better withstand the vescavors.

[Star Wars] Guardians of Peace, Episode 4: "From the Shadows part 3"

Author's Note: I have misplaced my notes for this session. This post will be incomplete until I locate the missing notes.


Vicious bands of pirates and criminals stalk the neutral sectors, striking at will against systems on both sides of the border.

On the trail of the SHADOW WING, Taanar Ryl and her companions are searching for the fugitive pirate Ferb. With the help of the notorious slicer, The Skifter, they have found him hiding in the great junkyards of Ord Mantell...

Next: Episode 5, "A Darkness Grows"

[Star Wars] Guardians of Peace, Episode 7: "A Darkness Grows, part 3"

As attacks by SHADOW WING increase, the systems of the neutral zones cry out for help. The vicious pirates strike virtually at will, only to disappear back into the depths of space.

With their ship captured and their companion Ferb taken prisoner by SHADOW WING, the Jedi and Antarian Rangers resort to desperate measures to learn the pirates' plans. Taanar Ryl and Renpoji Secura infiltrate a mercenary hideout and discover the SHADOW WING plot to take over the planet Glom Tho...

Having found that the Shadow Wing pirates were still keeping a watch on the Fortune of Greepo, the four Jedi representatives quickly made a plan to get them aboard the ship. Den and Ren prepared a distraction that they hoped would allow Taanar and Nema to get into their vessel. As they readied themselves to proceed, a speeder arrived to pick up the pirates, and they could see that it also carried their droid FE.

After the speeder left, Den and Ren cautiously approached the Fortune. There were no more pirates hiding inside, which proved to be because the pirates had disassembled the control panel. As Taanar and Nema joined them, the brothers speculated that the pirates had been trying to bypass the lockout codes that FE would have activated when the ship was threatened.

Working together, the four of them managed to repair their communications system enough that they could contact the Antarian Rangers. There was clearly jamming taking place around Glom Tho, but Taanar managed to punch a signal through. The message they received in response was garbled, and then their hyperspace transceiver burned out.

With the option of contacting the Jedi Order no longer available to them, the Secura brothers decided to return to the church hostel they had visited the previous evening and seek a way to contact the Glom Tho government directly. After telling the man they met there, Garrick Thorn, that they served the Jedi Order, he was convinced to help them. It seemed that the local faith's similarity to Jedi beliefs was more than coincidence. Taanar meanwhile attempted to contact the government herself, but was only able to leave a voice message after listening to a recording that told her contact with offworlders was only permitted during daylight hours.

Ferb had told Ren that the coup would take place at dawn the next day, and by this point dawn was only an hour away. The team was becoming desperate. so they all went to the church again and pleaded for Garrick Thorn to make contact with government representatives, since he was a native. With Thorn making the call, the message was accepted, much to their relief. But within moments they began to hear klaxons in the background. Thorn offered them use of his ground speeder.

Equipped with a vehicle, the team decided to go back to the warehouse to rescue Ferb. As they left the church behind, they spotted six armed speeders heading toward the causeway to the mainland. They arrived at the warehouse to find it vacant and immediately turned around to follow the speeders they had seen.

As they approached the causeway gate, they could see blaster fire being exchanged with the gate guards. Their warning message had clearly been received and believed and the government forces were trying to stop the pirates. Then some Nikto mercenaries began firing on their borrowed speeder.

Den steered the speeder toward the pirates' vehicles. Taanar, who was sitting on the back of the open speeder, reached out with the Force and grabbed one of the pirates' speeders, hurling at another vehicle. One speeder exploded, sending a burning pirate plunging into the nearby canal. They could see pirates and government soldiers fighting at the near end of the causeway and headed toward it. Taanar negated a blast directed at the borrowed speeder. An armored personnel carrier was moving toward the causeway, so Taanar flipped it on its side and used it to block the gate area to prevent the pirates' speeders from getting through.

Despite being hit, Taanar vaulted onto the personnel carrier and began to use her saber to cut into it. Nema deflected more blaster fire and disarmed one of the Nikto mercenaries. Den shouted to the pirates, "Surrender! Your plot's been exposed!"

After Taanar cut open the personnel carrier, Ferb climbed out, complaining that flipping the vehicle on its side had already opened the door. Most of the mercenaries had been taken out either by Nema and her cousins or by the government military. They found the controller for the slave collar on one of the mercenaries and released Ferb, but FE was not with him in the vehicle.

Once reunited with the team, Ferb told them that he'd overheard the pirates and mercenaries discussing attacking a mine. When asked about this, the local military told the Jedi team that there was a kyber crystal mine on Glam Tho. Then someone indicated that communication with the mine had been lost. Ferb offered to pilot one of the undamaged personnel carriers to take the team and some local troopers to the mine.

On route to the mine, the troopers used their medical packs to treat the wounds Den and Taanar had suffered in the fighting at the spaceport. As they approached the mine they could see smoke rising from structures on the surface. The Herglik and the people who had taken Ferb from Ord Mantell were present. The team members also spotted a huge crystal on an antigrav pallet.

Taanar dove out of the carrier and took cover behind some containers, then used the Force to grab the crystal and move it closer to the carrier. Nema and the brothers also clambered out of the carrier and began exchanging fire with the pirates. Suddenly Vima Montari, the captive Imperial Knight, emerged from inside the mine entrance, carrying her ignited lightsaber but still wearing the slave collar. She hurled a spiked projectile at Ren, who realized it must be poisoned after it hit him and he began to feel weakness.

Taanar flipped the pallet upside-down on top of the carrier so Ferb could undo the straps through the roof hatch. The troopers emerged from the carrier and joined the fight against the pirates. With the kyber crystal safely under Jedi control, Taanar turned her attention to Vima Montari. She attempted to disarm the Imperial Knight of her lightsaber and was surprised at the younger woman's ability to resist. Meanwhile the pirate group's leader, Navion, had climbed up on top of the mine entrance building, where the Herglik joined him. Taanar leaped up onto the building but landed awkwardly and missed her attack on Navion.

Ren was getting weaker by the moment, and his attempt to disable Vima with a grenade failed. Nema, however, managed to hit her with blaster fire. Threatened by Taanar, Navion ordered Vima to come to him. When she jumped up onto the structure and attacked Taanar, Taanar used the Force to shove her off the building's roof.

The Herglik then knocked Taanar off the roof also, and Vima jumped back up onto it. While Den jumped into an unoccupied speeder the pirates had brought, a shuttle arrived bringing more pirates to fire on the troopers. Taanar grabbed the Herglik and used him as a weapon for a second time, hurling him at Navion. Unfortunately because she was below Navion, she couldn't see him clearly and her living missile failed to hit the target. She vaulted back up onto the building and thrust Navion off the roof with the Force. The shuttle that had arrived had maneuvered to that side of the building, and as Taanar watched the Herglik grabbed Vima Montari and leaped into the shuttle.

Behind the building, Den rammed his speeder into Navion, killing him. He was found holding the slave collar control in his hand, indicating that he might have meant to kill Vima when he thought she was going to escape. As the Jedi team discovered this, Antarian Ranger X-wing fighters arrived and took out the remaining pirate forces and their hired mercenaries.

Ferb had flown the personnel carrier with the crystal out of range during the fighting, but with the shooting over he returned. As the carrier landed, Nema felt something calling to her from inside the craft. She had failed to acquire a crystal of her own when they were attacked by Shadow Wing on Ilum, but it seemed that there was a shard from the larger crystal that was meant for her.

As the Jedi and Rangers helped the local troops mop up, Taanar Ryl heard a voice in her mind saying, "Find me."

[Star Wars] Guardians of Peace, Episode 6: "A Darkness Grows, part 2"

As attacks by SHADOW WING increase, the systems of the neutral zones cry out for help. The vicious pirates strike virtually at will, only to disappear back into the depths of space. 

Data from the captured droid leads Jedi Taanar Ryl to the Glom Tho system where she finds evidence of the SHADOW WING. In a spaceport cantina the pirates confront the Jedi and her companions...

Trapped within Glom Tho's isolated spaceport during the nightly curfew, Taanar Ryl wondered how she should proceed. They had lost communication with Ferb, who had been waiting aboard the Fortune of Greepo. It seemed likely that the Shadow Wing pirates had discovered him and abducted or even killed him. She considered returning to the docking bay to find out, but after searching her feelings she decided that it would be unwise. The pirates had probably left sentries with the ship, and she doubted that they would have slain Ferb. But this meant she and her companions would have to find somewhere to rest and hide overnight. They searched maps of the spaceport until they located a nearby hostel. 

When the quartet arrived at the hostel, they were refused entry. It seemed the hostel was only for local citizens who practiced Glom Tho's dominant spiritual beliefs. Ren began to question the doorkeeper of the hostel about these beliefs, and as he did so Nema suddenly noticed a similarity between the native religion and some of the tenets of the Jedi. After learning this, she courteously asked if they might still be given the room, but they were refused. Then the Secura brothers noticed some people nearby who they suspected might be trouble. The group quietly slipped away before they were noticed.

Though they were reluctant to check into a hotel, the four representatives of the Jedi finally decided to take a room in a mid-range hotel near the waterfront. Nema was able to persuade the droid clerk not to ask for their identification. Once they had settled in their shared room, Taanar put Den and Ren into a healing trance. She rested while Nema stood watch over them. As Nema looked out the window toward the canal, she noticed a speeder arriving and being met by a group of armed people who emerged from a nearby warehouse. One of these people was the leader of the group that had attacked Nema and her companions at the Spacer's Delight. She began to feel convinced that these people were holding Ferb inside the warehouse. 

At dawn, Taanar woke the Secura brothers and told them about Ferb and the warehouse. The group discussed how best to get inside to rescue him when they were outnumbered and outgunned. Finally they settled on using a diversion so that Taanar and one of them could get onto the roof of the warehouse. To add verisimilitude, they rented a load lifter, some empty cargo containers, and coveralls.

While Den and Nema took the load lifter to the loading bay of the warehouse, Taanar and Ren climbed up to the roof of the nearest building. The street was fairly wide below, but Taanar had an idea of how to get herself and the young Ranger across. Meanwhile, Den and Nema tried to convince the men guarding the loading area that they had a delivery to make and would get in trouble with their boss if they didn't take care of it. While they were arguing with the guards, Ren made a running jump toward the warehouse roof and Taanar used the Force to boost him across, then vaulted across herself. 

After they had both landed safely without attracting any notice from below, Taanar used her lightsaber to cut the lock from the rooftop trapdoor. When she peered down into the warehouse space, she spotted Ferb looking a little worse for wear but eating. Ren slid silently down the ladder from the trapdoor. He crept up to Ferb and conversed with him in whispers. Ferb warned Ren that the Shadow Wing were planning a coup against the government of Glamtho. He also showed Ren that he was wearing a slave collar, which would kill him if he got too far away from the person carrying the device's remote control.

Meanwhile, Taanar had spotted three speeders inside the warehouse. When Ren rejoined her and told her what he'd learned from Ferb, she decided they would have to abort the rescue in favor of warning the government about the impending coup attempt. She and Ren left through the trapdoor and leaped back across to the other building, then signalled Den and Nema to leave.

When the four had regrouped, they considered heading across the now-open causeway to the mainland to contact government representatives and warn them. But as they approached the causeway they spotted Shadow Wing members watching it. They retreated, deciding to take a chance on returning to the docking bay and using their ship's communication equipment to contact the Jedi and ask them to warn the government. 

On the way to the docking bay they passed by Blaster's Arena, which was displaying billboards advertising that night's contest starring the captive Imperial Knight. They realized that she was wearing a slave collar like the one the pirates had put on Ferb. 

As they cautiously approached the bay where the Fortune of Greepo was housed, the four companions could see that there were six Shadow Wing pirates inside the bay, including the Herglik that Taanar had tossed in the Spacer's Delight two nights earlier.

Next: Episode 7, "A Darkness Grows, part 3"

[Star Wars] Guardians of Peace, Episode 5: "A Darkness Grows, part 1"

Author's Note: I have misplaced my notes for this session. This post will be incomplete until I locate the missing notes.

As attacks by SHADOW WING increase, the systems of the neutral zones cry out for help. The vicious pirates strike virtually at will,  only to disappear back into the depths of space. 

The Jedi Taanar Ryl and her padawan track down the few leads the have gathered. Using the information from the former pirate droid RX-99 they search the hyperlanes for signs of the pirates...

Next: Episode 6, "A Darkness Grows, part 2"

[Star Wars] Guardians of Peace, Episode 3: "From the Shadows, part 2"

Vicious bands of pirates and criminals stalk the neutral sectors, striking at will against systems on both sides of the border.

The Jedi are one of the groups trying to bring peace and order to this lawless zone. After tracking SHADOW WING pirate attacks, the Jedi Taanar Ryl has returned to Ord Mantell to question a prisoner….

With their two targets apprehended, the Fortune crew now had to decide what to do with them. Questioning them in the seedy Herglic's Folly area of Ord Mantell seemed unwise, but they didn't know of any more secure place to remove to other than their ship. They decided they would have to try to carry the Rodian and the Besalisk back to the ship without drawing too much unwelcome attention. Den and Ren each picked up one of the unconscious prisoners and they set off toward the docking bay.

They hadn't gone far when they began to hear the sounds of local law enforcement sirens. A spotlight's brilliant beam fell suddenly on Taanar. The rest of the group quickly slipped into an alley to hide from view. Taanar shot them a brief look to warn them to stay where they were and keep quiet. An officer from the police speeder called out for Taanar to keep her hands where they could be seen and explain who she was and what she was doing there. Taanar spread her hands and announced, "I am Jedi Taanar Ryl," seeing no reason to keep her identity a secret. 

"Can you prove that?" the officer asked. Taanar cocked her head to look down at the lightsaber hanging at her hip. That appeared to satisfy the officer, who then asked, "There was a report of blaster fire in the area. Do you know anything about that?" Taanar replied, "I heard some noise, but I didn't see anything." At that moment, more blaster fire could be heard nearby. The police officer perfunctorily thanked her and jumped back in his speeder to head toward the source of the sound. 

Taanar stepped into the alley. "Lying is not the approved method of dealing with local authorities, but there are occasions when it is necessary to withhold the truth," she said to her three charges. They set off once more for the Fortune. When they arrived at the ship, FE provided binders to restrain the prisoners. By this time the Besalisk had recovered consciousness. The Besalisk was so confused and startled to find himself in this situation that as soon as the team began to question him he admitted that he and his Rodian partner had been hired to recapture Ferb. He also told them that the customer who had hired them was known as Navi, although he didn't know any other name. 

Next: Episode 4, "From the Shadows, part 3"

What If? Alternate History Lord of the Rings

I've been thinking about Lord of the Rings things and roleplaying today, and that brought another topic to mind: how to roleplay in the LOTR setting.

There have been several different LOTR/Hobbit/Middle-Earth roleplaying rules sets issued over the years, especially by MERP (Middle-Earth Role Playing) from 1984, the Lord of the Rings Adventure Game from 2002, and The One Ring from 2011. I have never had an opportunity to play using any of these rules. Despite my being a big fan of LOTR, the friends I game with aren't interested enough in the setting to want to roleplay in it, particularly since it would require using different rules than our default d20 system rules.

I have to admit, I've always found it hard to imagine playing a LOTR RPG. Though JRR Tolkien wrote about many other periods of Middle-Earth's history, the part that's best defined is the period of LOTR itself, and the tale of the Fellowship's efforts to finally defeat Sauron once and for all. But everyone knows that Frodo was the Ringbearer, and his companions were Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, and Gandalf. Who could take their place? If a group of people decide to play in the Middle-Earth setting during that time period, do they replace the original members of the Fellowship? If they do, how? If they don't, are they elsewhere fighting to prevent Sauron from noticing Frodo's actions? That doesn't sound as fun if you know someone else is off saving the world while you're just acting as a distraction.

I couldn't get my head around playing in that setting without the player-characters having to be the characters from the books, and that didn't seem like much fun to me. It would be the ultimate 'railroad' campaign, where the player-characters' actions don't count because the outcome is predetermined.

But then a friend of mine started running a Star Wars campaign taking place during the time period of the original film trilogy. The player-characters started out as slightly shady folks with their own ship, a bit like Han Solo. Then they happened to land on Tatooine just in time to get a contract to transport an old man and a teenaged boy named Luke to the planet Alderaan. Basically, the premise of the campaign was that Han Solo arrived at the Mos Eiseley Cantina too late to pick up Obi-Wan and Luke Skywalker, and as a result, the player-characters took over the roles Luke and Han played in the movies. They rescued Princess Leia from the Death Star. Eventually one of the player-characters became a Jedi and took Luke's place in going to Dagobah to train with Master Yoda, and the PCs ultimately became the heroes of the Rebellion and destroyed the Death Star. But because they were different characters than the film characters, the outcome of the campaign wasn't identical to the ending of the movie trilogy.

After witnessing this, I started to think differently about how a group of players could play through LOTR and still have fun. How would things happen differently if the heroes weren't Frodo and his friends? Looking back on the history of Sauron and the One Ring, I'm trying to work out what direction such a campaign could take.

There's a lot of coincidence in LOTR. Isildur loses the Ring. Hundreds or thousands of years later, it's found by Deagol. Smeagol then takes the Ring from him and goes into hiding. Centuries later, Bilbo happens upon it in the goblin cave where Gollum is hiding. It isn't until Gandalf realizes what it is that the trajectory of the Ring starts to involve some conscious decisions. But what if Isildur had never lost the Ring, or if someone of his household had managed to find it immediately after his death? Perhaps the Ring could have been kept, openly or in secret, by the royal house of Gondor until that line faded. Maybe the Ring came under the control of the Stewards of Gondor after the royal line failed. It could have subtly influenced everything the rulers of Gondor did for centuries, making that kingdom into a very different place than it is in LOTR.

Or the Ring could have been put away in a treasure house and forgotten as the centuries passed and rulership of the country passed from one family to another. Then perhaps it could be stolen by a thief or found by a servant, and the story of its journey toward destruction could begin.

Going at the concept from another angle, Sauron could have succeeded in bringing Elves, Men, and Dwarves under his control through use of the Rings of Power, and the campaign could become a struggle to save the world from an eternity of darkness. The player-characters could be part of a rebel organization recruited to get the Ring and destroy it, which would make for a much darker and more challenging campaign.

For a campaign with a lighter tone and hewing closer to the original plot of the books, Frodo could refuse to take the Ring himself and instead a different group of characters could volunteer for that task, characters with different personalities and skills than the characters from the books. Meanwhile the book characters could be the ones organizing behind the scenes, forging alliances and attacking Sauron's forces to prevent the Dark Lord from noticing the party inching toward Mount Doom. This would give the player-characters the opportunity to meet the book characters, perhaps even to be their friends or family members, while the PCs remain the stars of the show.

Players can often be inventive in solving problems in roleplaying games. It would be interesting to see how a completely different group of people would try to solve the problem of getting access to Mount Doom without being caught by Sauron's forces. Would they sneak into Mordor disguised as orcs or Easterlings? Would they try to skirt around to the far side of the territory while Sauron's attention was directed at Rohan and Gondor? Would they recruit all the forces of Gondor, Rohan, Rivendell, Lothlorien, and the Misty Mountain to invade Mordor with a massive army? There are plenty of possibilities.

I doubt I'll ever get a chance to find out what an alternate version of LOTR would be like, and in some ways I think that's probably a good thing. I'm so invested in that world that I might make a nuisance of myself if the other players didn't treat the setting and its history with proper respect. But just the same, I'd still like an opportunity to try a LOTR roleplaying game myself someday.

I Want My D&D TV

After writing a post about a planned tv series based on the writings of JRR Tolkien, I started thinking again about something I've wanted to see for a long while: a tv series inspired by Dungeons & Dragons. Now seems like a good time, with the popularity of Game of Thrones and various fantasy films like the Harry Potter franchise, and improvements in visual effects to make things like non-human creatures and magic effects more achievable.

But there's been a Dungeons & Dragons tv show, you may say. Well, I'm sorry if this offends your nostalgia, but the D&D animated series from the '80s is an awful representation of D&D. It features modern-day characters who are transported to a magical fantasy world, instead of characters who belong there. Much of it is played for comedic effect, and the characters are (rather disturbingly) all teenagers - hence children. That's not the kind of story and characters I want to see.

I want to see characters who belong to that world, who already know how it works. I want them to go on quests rather than being on one continuous mission to defeat a recurring villain. I want the world to be fully realized instead of an ill-defined background for the characters' actions. I want the characters to be fully developed, too, with personalities and histories and reasons for doing what they do, even if their reasons are only to seek wealth or fame (one hopes that not all of them would have those goals).

But there are things I don't want to see in such a show, too. I don't want it to be full of political intrigue, sex, and violence, like GoT. There can be some sex, and some violence, and even a little political intrigue, but not to the level of GoT. The focus of the series should be about the characters, how they relate to each other, and how they overcome great obstacles to achieve success. It should also feature all of the elements that make it D&D - strange monsters, magical artifacts, ancient ruins, creatures from other dimensions, widely varied cultures, ancient prophesies and legends, gods walking the earth in disguise, divine interventions, magical healing, things that are innately and unequivocally evil, and many different species of sentient beings. GoT may have some of those things now, but it lost my interest because it lacked those elements during its early series.

I'd like this show to be a live-action show. I think visual effects for television have achieved the necessary level of sophistication to make that work. But I'd be satisfied with an animated series, too, as long as it wasn't written like a children's' show. The writers could take a page from animated shows like Avatar: The Last Airbender, Adventure Time, and Steven Universe to write shows that will appeal to kids without being simplistic or emotionally shallow. But I'd prefer live-action so it wouldn't have to worry as much about parents assuming if it's animated it's suitable for small children. If we could have a show like Stargate SG-1 with alien planets and spacecraft and raygun-like weapons, and have that show a decade ago, then I don't see why we can't have a show about elves and dwarves and wizards and dragons and magic spells.

Come on, somebody, make it happen.

Tolkien TV

Less than a month ago, Amazon announced that they would be optioning the Lord of the Rings as a new streaming series, to compete with HBO's highly successful Game of Thrones adaptation. Details are sparse thus far, but the information available states that they intend to tell new stories set prior to the LOTR trilogy. Whether these stories will feature characters and settings familiar from the LOTR and Hobbit films or new ones is unknown.

I was not as displeased with the trio of Hobbit films as many fans, though I can't deny that I find some flaws with them. I'm also not a great fan of Game of Thrones, in either its literary or television form. What I am is a great fan of Tolkien's literary world-building and the other stories he told beyond The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, in The Silmarillion and the various other books (The Lays of Beleriand, The Children of Hurin, Beren and Luthien) that his descendants have published from his notes. As a result of these opinions, I'm ambivalent about a LOTR tv series. But I'm not completely opposed to it, so long as it isn't the kind of misuse of the setting that has recently appeared in the PC/console game world - yes, I'm looking at you, Shadow of War. If the producers of the new series completely discard what's canon from the books in favor of making something that wears the skin of Tolkien over a blatant imitation of Game of Thrones, then it's guaranteed I won't be watching.

But if initial previews indicate that the production team are respectful of the source material, I'll give it a chance. Like many Tolkien fans, I have a strong desire to see more of his work visualized. For me, the LOTR film trilogy was like bringing my imagination to life. I forgave Peter Jackson the changes he made to the story because it was all so beautifully realized and he clearly loved the source material so much (one may ask how he could willingly change anything if he loved the source material, but that's a discussion for another post). I wish that Jackson's team could make film adaptations of some of Tolkien's other tales of Middle-Earth, without the Hollywood marketing machine pushing him to manipulate it to suit their desires, as reportedly happened with the Hobbit films. I think some of the stories of Middle-Earth that take place prior to the creation of the Rings of Power are more than worthy of being translated for film or television. I don't think that's what Amazon is going to do, though. But if I had a magic wand (or a Ring of Power) to make them produce a tv series based on what I'd like to see, here's what I think they should do.

One of the tales that I feel could potentially compete with the broad saga of Game of Thrones is the story of Feanor and the Silmarils. While Tolkien's writings carry no hint of the sexuality rampant (pun intended) in GoT, there is plenty of intrigue, adventure, and action available to build an exciting series from. For those who've never read The Silmarillion (shame on you) or don't remember it, the Silmarils are three magical gems created by the Elf prince Feanor in the realm of Valinor, which is essentially Heaven for Middle-Earth, especially for Elves. All of the characters in the tale of Feanor are Elves, which I'll admit could possibly be a problem for a tv series, since audiences generally tend to want characters they can relate to. But setting aside the issue of all non-human characters, I think a good writing team could make this work. Feanor could be a compelling lead; he's a proud, brilliant, fiery character who creates something that even the Valar (the demigods of Tolkien's world setting) are incapable of replicating. His obsession with his creation ruins his life and the lives of all seven of his sons, as well as those of many other Elves, and brings endless strife to what was once an idyllic place. There's even a villain, Melkor, who is rather like Loki from the Marvel films but darker and even more powerful. 

It would take some work to flesh out any characters other than Feanor himself. Most of the other characters in the saga, such as Feanor's seven sons, his father, and his various half-brothers, are mere cyphers. His wife is hardly more than a name. But that lack of definition leaves lots of room for talented screenwriters to develop the characters. There are plenty of battles as well, and magic. And if there's a desire to link the movies to the series, they could always include Galadriel - she is the daughter of one of Feanor's half-brothers.

But if a story of the Elves and the gods set before the Sun or the Moon even existed doesn't excite a creator, then the production team could always turn to the travails of Beren and Luthien instead. At least Beren is human, and it's a love story about a couple who keep getting separated and end up having to go on a long quest. It's a follow-on from Feanor's story, since part of the quest they undertake is to recover the Silmarils from Morgoth (aka Melkor) after he manages to steal a couple of them. In my dream series, both the story of the Silmarils and of Beren and Luthien would be told.

If the story of the Silmarils or of Beren and Luthien's romance isn't appealing enough, there's the tale of the Numenorean kings and how they were misled into destroying themselves by the duplicity of Sauron, Morgoth's minion. There aren't that many Numenorean characters described in detail in Tolkien's writing, but good screenwriters could flesh that out. Palace intrigue, sex, violence - all of those things could be added to make the story more appealing to modern audiences (even if sex and overt violence aren't very Tolkien). Following the Numenoreans would have the advantage of having mostly human characters, with a few Elves and Dwarves thrown in for flavor. Gandalf could show up since he was around then (though technically he would probably have been known as Mithrandir). The stories could also include themes of racism and religious conflict, as the later Numenorean kings came to resent the Elves and turned away from worshipping the supreme deity Eru Iluvatar in favor of worshipping Morgoth.

I don't know what Amazon will do with this property, or even if they'll actually follow through. I admit there's a part of me that doesn't want a 'modern' story full of sex and violence, and worries that they'll try too hard to emulate Game of Thrones' style in an attempt to repeat its success. I'd like to see a story that stays closer to Tolkien's romantic, other-worldly vision of Middle-Earth while eliminating some of his implied sexism and racism. But I'll try to keep an open mind until I find out what Amazon is really going to do.

Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 4

More game session fun...

[D&D 3.5 - The Viridian Legacy]
During one D&D campaign, the party members were on a mission to retrieve a powerful artifact from a dragon's hoard. At some earlier point they had acquired a string of beads that could cause blindness when thrown if the target failed a saving throw. They decided to try to use the beads against the dragon to give themselves an advantage. Each member of the group took one bead. After they entered the dragon's lair, everyone threw their beads simultaneously.
The GM rolled the dragon's saving throw versus blindness - and on the first save rolled a 1, an automatic failure. The dragon was now blind. The GM continued to roll saves for each bead, and rolled a second 1. 
With the dragon blinded, the party's gnome beguiler made himself ethereal, and floated through the dragon's abdominal wall into its stomach, for the party had determined that the dragon had swallowed the artifact. Etherealness kept the dragon's digestive juices from harming the gnome at first, but he had to become solid again in order to try to pry the artifact out of the dragon's stomach wall where it had become embedded. Once he had done so, he pulled a figurine of wondrous power in the shape of a bronze griffin out of his pocket and it grew large enough at his command that it could claw its way out of the dragon through its belly. 
Then the gnome burst out of the dragon's belly astride the griffin, brandishing the giant crystal over his head.

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
Player 1: "Antitoxins work best if they're used before you're toxinated."
Player 2: "I'm so intoxinated right now."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The players were trying to skirt around a pressure plate that triggered a trap. They ended up putting a collapsible plank across the plate to get past it. 
GM: "So you're all charging down the hallway and stomping on the area beside the plank?"
Player: "I river-dance on it."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The campaign location has an Egyptian theme, with a lot of names beginning with P followed by another consonant. The players started adding a P to the beginning of other words, especially p-dick, as in "What a p-dick!" or "That's a p-dick move!"
This finally culminated when they found two identical corridors in the dungeon they were exploring. 
Player: "At least they were p-symmetrical p-dicks."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
GM: "You have found the Tomb of Akhan-tepi."
Player: "I thought we'd been in the tomb of Akhan-tepi all along!"
GM: "Now you're in the tomb-tomb of Akhan-tepi-tepi."

[D&D5e - The City, Reborn]
The GM was trying to describe to a player how a character would feel when affected by necrotic damage. 
Other player: "For a moment you're languid with ennui."

[D&D5e - The City, Reborn]
The party's fighter was terrified of a visit from his "grannies". There seem to be a lot more of them than an ordinary person would have. We were discussing why he had so many grannies. 
Another player: "It takes a whole village to raise a [Fighter]."

[D&D5e - The City, Reborn]
The characters frequent an inn where one of the servers is an older lady who's not terribly attractive. 
GM (to fighter's player): "You catch her eye and she winks at you."
Fighter: "Ugh!" (shudders)

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
Player (looking at the Pathfinder app on his iPad): "There's a typo. The name of the spell is naturalize poison."  (The actual name of the spell should have been 'neutralize poison'.)

Other player: "It's not foreign poison, this is a domestic poison."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The party had acquired two jars of a perfume called nard.
Three players (simultaneously): "Now we have a pair of nards!"

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
As the party explored the interior of a subterranean tomb: 

Player: "Next up on 'Flip This Pyramid...'"

The trend of adding P to words continued in the Egyptian campaign.
Player: "They're P-mining beetles! Oh, P-shit!"

[D&D5e - The City, Reborn]
Years ago there was a comedy radio play about D&D in which one of the characters, upon being told he could only see darkness ahead, announced, "I attack the darkness!"

During one adventure the intrepid adventurers were under attack by some shadowy creatures. My character noticed an area of unnatural darkness. A Perception check combined with his ability to see in darkness told him there was a creature inside it.

With great glee, I shouted, "I attack the darkness!"

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
Player 1 (to the party shaman): "Could you 'create water' on it? That helps me when I'm sticky."

Player 2: "We don't want to hear about your weekends."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The GM held up the Adventure Path module, open to a page containing an illustration of a mummy, and announced to no one in particular:

GM: "I'm not looking at this page for any particular reason."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party's alchemist liked to dissect monsters. His alchemy lab was full of monster organs in jars.

During one session, he was subject to a spell effect that left him Stunned for several rounds.

Player: "[Alchemist], look at the pretty stars!"
Alchemist: "...and hearts... and livers..."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The alchemist drank a potion of 'countless eyes' every day, so he was constantly covered in eyes. During one session he also drank a potion that gave him the Scent ability, in order to track someone.

Other player: "So if he's exposed to onions, do all his eyes water?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Near the end of the session, the alchemist was chasing someone. He was flying, and to give himself reach, he drank a potion of 'enlarge person'.

Other player: "You don't see an 11-foot-tall flying dwarf covered with eyes every day."
Cleric: "Thank [goddess]!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
GM: "I don't expect half of what you players do, but I roll with the punches."
Monk: "Good, because I flurry!"
GM: "I can't roll that fast."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The alchemist made himself several simulacra, which he could transfer his consciousness between at will. He was also known for his abrasive personality.

Cleric: "[Alchemist] doesn't know anything about personal relationships."
Alchemist: "I totally understand personal relationships!"
Inquisitor (referring to the alchemist's simulacra): "He has five of them right now!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Later, we were still giving the alchemist a hard time. 
Alchemist: "I bought a magic item to talk to people."
Fighter: "It costs 2 gold pieces per minute on weekdays, and 3 gold pieces on weekends."

Not a tabletop roleplaying experience, but my husband was playing The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim. When his character killed a draugr (a type of undead, for those not familiar with this game): 

Husband: "I deaded it."
Me: "You mean you re-deaded it."
Husband (in mock radio announcer voice): "'This re-deadification brought to you by Solstheim. I'm Casey Hergenjergen.'"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
Shaman: "My Profession is gardener, not murderhobo."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
GM: "The mongrelman stabs you with his rusty broken sword, the cowardly bastard. That's his name, by the way, Cowardly Bastard."
Brawler and wizard (in stereo): "CB for short!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
Shaman: "What's the creature's special attack?"
GM: "Constrict."
Brawler: "It likes to cuddle."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
GM: "What's touch of evil? I can't remember what that does."
Player: "Does it make you feel a little bit naughty?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Alchemist's player (reading from a rulebook):
"'The alchemist creates a simulacrum. a soulless body' - which isn't that far from normal."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The alchemist's player got some food stuck in his beard. (Note - the only beardless players in our group are myself and the wife of the alchemist's player.)

Other player: "With all the beards around this table, if you brush it out, it will get stuck in somebody's beard."

The GM described how during the preious week's session, when he rolled for damage healed by two potions, he rolled a 1 and a 2.
Player: "Dammit, I knew I should have checked the 'bless by' date on those potions!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]

GM (to player who keeps making bad jokes): You're getting docked XP right and left."
Player: "Yay! My ship just docked."
GM: "Your ship has sailed."
Player: "The ship carrying your XP sank off the Cape of Good Hope."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]

Player 1: "Why does Obi-Wan seem like a baked bean sandwich kind of guy?"
Player 2: "No, that would be O-Beano-Wan."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]

The wizard made several unsuccessful attempts to harm enemies with a 'ray of frost' spell. When she finally succeeded: 

Other Player: "So that's what that does!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]

The GM was searching for some minis to use for the next scene. 
Player (hosting the game): "Do you need some ghouls dressed as clowns? I have some of those."
GM (bemused): "No... not right now."
Other Player: "Thank god!"