Saturday, December 1, 2012

If I Ruled the World

When I become Master of the World, lording over all from my massive control center aboard a zeppelin, I will institute these requirements and restrictions.  Violators will be subject to suitable torture and/or execution.

Bus passengers must have their fare ready before boarding.  Anyone who does not must disembark immediately and wait for the next bus.

If there are empty seats on the bus, sit down.  Standing is only permitted when all seats are occupied.

No eating, sleeping, cell phone conversations, doing homework, or making yourself comfortable on the bus.  Keep your coat on and your personal possessions in your lap or under your seat.

Passengers who put their stuff - or their feet - in a seat must buy a second ticket.  And if you put your feet in the aisle you're going to lose them.

 Also no opening the windows.  You're only on the bus a short time.  You won't die if you're a little warm. 

No children under age six in movie theaters.  Ever. 

Movie theaters will also be required to have showings of animated films during which no children under 18 are allowed, so the grown-ups who like Pixar and Dreamworks movies can enjoy them without being distracted by little kids squirming or teenagers talking.

If you turn your cell phone on after the theater lights go down, your fellow moviegoers are permitted to stone you. Stones will be provided.

Handicapped parking spaces will be equipped with explosives rigged to go off and cripple the vehicle if the vehicle doesn't have a handicapped parking permit.

Medical certification will be required before you can purchase a scooter or power chair, and you'll have to take a driving test.

Bicycles must be equipped with headlights, taillights, and reflectors to make them visible in profile.  Automobile drivers who hit cyclists who aren't wearing proper visibility gear are not liable for any damage or injuries.

Every kid must learn a second language.

Schools will not teach Creationism.  If you want your kids to learn about religious beliefs, send them to religion classes.

Home schooling will not be permitted.  People who teach kids must be trained and certified and use an approved curriculum - which will be nationalized, so Louisiana can't say that Creationism is science.

Teachers will earn as much or more than professional basketball players. 

There will be a national healthcare system.  Everyone will have access to the same level of healthcare.

Employers will be required to pay you at least part of your usual income while you're on FMLA. 

No political action committees.  And corporations will not be considered people.

Everything will be recycled, except for medical waste.  Garbage bins will be rare and recycling bins will be provided on every street corner.  Over-packaging will be strongly discouraged - with pointy things if necessary.

People will be allowed to marry whomever they choose, so long as both partners are consenting adults and not too closely related.  The government will have no involvement in it except to prevent creeps from marrying their own children or their dogs.

I'm sure there will be further decrees from the future Master of the World, but for now the Master is tired. 

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