Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 5

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
As the party were exploring an area full of undead, the shaman heard the sounds of cracking bones and rending flesh on the other side of a wall. Fearing someone was being attacked there, he 'levitated' to look over the wall. Beyond the wall he saw what appeared to be a huge mass of dead flesh and bone that had somehow been fused together. He also saw a creature burrowing its way through this mass from below. He asked the GM if he could identify the burrowing creature.

GM: "Make a Knowledge (religion) check."
Shaman: "I suddenly get religion!"
GM: "It's running down your leg right now."
Shaman: "The river god has blessed me!"
GM: "The river god is blessing everyone standing below you."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The PCs fought a couple of ankhegs. Afterward they discussed whether there might be other ankheg broods in the area.

Shaman: "What's a multiple brood, an emo?"

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The party is made up of a nagaji (serpent-person), a tengu (bird-person), a suli (djinni-human hybrid), and a half-orc. At one point someone jokingly states that all of the characters are cannibals. 
Nagaji's player (looking at the tengu's player): "I hear you taste like chicken."
Tengu's player: "I hear you do, too."
Both players look at each other hungrily and lick their lips.

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
In our Star Wars campaign, the GM makes a crawl for every session, which includes an episode number and title. He plays them on his laptop for the players to read at the start of the session.

One week, he had sent an email to the group to let everyone know what options we had for things to do during our next session. He mistakenly labeled the next session Episode 50, when in fact it was Episode 48. One of the players noticed the mistake and corrected him.

When the session arrived and he cued up the opening crawl, it announced Episode 50, then proceeded to describe a long list of unpleasant things happening to the group, such as being captured by Darth Vader and taken to see the Emperor, culminating with our battle cruiser in flames.

After that he ran the real crawl for the real episode, Episode 48.

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
During a Star Wars game, three of the PCs were flying one-man fighters when they were attacked by some people trying to steal the fighters. One of the PCs piloting a fighter was a droid, who looked rather like Stormtrooper armor (if Stormtrooper armor was red and black). The GM commented that the pilots of the attacking ships were distressed when they saw a droid in the cockpit of one of the small fighters.

Playeer: "How can they tell he's a droid and not a guy in a helmet?"
GM: "He's got those beady red glowing eyes."
Droid: "I'm in Cylon mode."
Player: "So from now on you're running Cylon instead of running silent?"

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
The players got into a discussion of the kind of commands officers give in the Star Wars films, things like "Attack plan Delta" and "Fire at will." The GM was an ex-military tank operator, and he commented that when he was in the military no officer ever told him to "Fire at will," nor did he ever give that command himself - he just said "Fire."
Player: "Did you ever say 'Attack plan Delta'?"
GM: "No, but once I did pop up out of the hatch (of a tank) and ask the driver of another tank, 'Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?'"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The shaman acquired a scroll containing the spell 'magic fang'. He informed the player of the brawler that he could cast that on her character's fists, feet, elbows, or knees. She then began to enthusiastically describe her character pummeling foes with various body parts.

Other Player: "Your opponent has a bad case of Elbowla."

[Pathfinder -  Wrath of the Righteous]
The slayer failed his save versus a fear effect and ran away from the combat at top speed, screaming all the way.

Brawler: "That's not right. [Slayer] usually runs toward a fight."
Slayer: "He runs with style."
Brawler: "Screaming is a style?"
Slayer: "What happens in combat stays in combat!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The warpriest of Iomedae killed a quasit with one blow and made a smug comment about it. 
GM: "Oh, I forgot, when the quasits die they explode. The damage only affects followers of Iomedae."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The Shaman has been affected by a curse that reduces his Charisma. The GM describes him as feeling a bit demoralized as a result. 
GM: "Roll a Diplomacy check."
Shaman: "I feel unworthy." 

Shaman rolls the skill check.

Shaman (sounding depressed): "Twenty-five." (which is a very good result)

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The party is on the move, with the warpriest, brawler, and slayer in front and the wizard and shaman at the back with the NPCs. 
GM: "You've got all the scary-looking PCs in the front of the party."
Shaman: "We're business in front, party in the back."
GM: "You're in mullet formation!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The GM describes a neighborhood the party is passing through as made up of upscale shops. 
Warpriest's player: "You see a shop with just a blank front and a Victoria's secret door."
The shaman's player and the brawler's player simultaneously roll their eyes, look at the GM and say, "Please, continue."

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
In Star Wars, the party's Wookiee character raged and climbed inside an AT-AT full of Imperial Stormtroopers. 
Pilot: "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear."

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
After the Wookiee single-handedly overpowered the commander and pilot and most of the troopers aboard the AT-AT:
Jedi Padawan: "You only need one boarder when your boarder is an enraged Wookiee."

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
The Jedi Force-grabbed the pilot of a AT-ST (the two-legged walking transports) and sent him flying. 
Droid: "I didn't know those things had ejector seats."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Our party included an alchemist with a tumor familiar named Cyst. This happened after Cyst did something during one session.

Fighter: "Cyst a-cyst-ed."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party members acquired some magic items that would allow a single individual to teleport to a specified location with a maximum weight limit of items. There were several such items and each one was capable of transporting a different amount of weight. We were trying to decide who was carrying the lightest gear and could take the items with lower weight limits. The party inquisitor has the Leadership feat. His cohort is a bard, who is also the inquisitor character's wife.

Oracle: "How much weight does [Bard] carry?"
Fighter: "Well, she's always carrying [Inquisitor]."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party alchemist liked to dissect things. A huge demon spider had appeared in front of the party.

Oracle: "Can I make a Perception check to see if [Alchemist] is salivating?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party were trying to figure out if anyone had any teleportation device that could transport one person a long distance away to deliver a message. 
Fighter: "I have a pathway pearl 7."
Cleric: "That's the weight limit, not the distance."
GM: "You could take yourself and one of your axes."
(The fighter uses a double-bladed +1 keen flaming axe.)

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The Alchemist was describing something to another player who was absent during the previous session. 

Alchemist: "Last time we found a 'rod of splendor', if you recall what that does."
Fighter: "It makes your coffee sweet without making you fat."
Alchemist: "That would be a 'rod of Splenda'."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party alchemist as usual had a 'countless eyes' effect active, so he was covered in eyes. 
Inquisitor (to Alchemist): "Try to get some shuteye eye eye eye eye eye."

[Pathfinder -  Mummy's Mask]
One of the players had started the Adventure Path with a rogue, who died at first level when she decided to have everyone else leave the room while she disabled a trap - and then found herself unable to escape while being simultaneously bludgeoned, electrocuted, and drowned.
Later the same player's current character was about to disable a trap located in a small underground chamber. 

GM (to that player): "Are you sure you wouldn't like to have everyone leave the room while you do that?"

[Pathfinder -  Mummy's Mask]
GM: "The man is the lamia's paramour."
Shaman: "There's only one of him. Seems more like a unimour."

[Pathfinder -  Mummy's Mask]
Shaman rolls for Diplomacy. 
GM: "He seems hostile toward you."
Shaman: "I rolled a 3. I seem hostile toward me."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The party entered an ancient temple and ran into some mummies. We defeated them by setting them on fire. During the combat one of the mummies punched the party's druid.

A little while later, after we'd also defeated some cultists and were examining the loot we'd taken from them, the GM asked for a Perception roll from the druid. After the roll result was reported, this exchange occurred:

GM: "You notice a black spot where the mummy hit you."
Druid: "Can I make a skill check to determine if it's mummy rot?"
GM: "Okay, make a Heal check."
Druid: "Thirteen."
GM: "It's some soot from where you set the mummy on fire."

The druid's player had already made a save versus contracting mummy rot earlier, but the GM hadn't informed the player that the save had been successful. 

[Star Wars - A New New Hope]
The Star Wars party had split up. The Jedi & Wookiee were fighting stormtroopers on speeder bikes, while the rest of the characters and NPCs had been taken captive by Ewoks, except for the Jedi padawan, who had hidden from the captors.

My husband played the Jedi, and I was playing the Jedi's padawan. When text messaging each other, my hsuband and I often use the poop emoji to indicate disappointment.

Jedi: "I send my padawan a telepathic message: 'I'm okay.'"
Padawan: "I send back, 'Everyone captured but me.'"
Jedi: "I send a poop emoji."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The party had just destroyed a construct that attacked them. It was the bloodrager's adamantine flail that made the final blow. The monk decides to pick up one of the construct's broken legs.
GM: "It has a size 32 foot!"
Shaman: "OMG, look under that kilt!"
Bloodrager: "I shattered it. You're welcome."

[Pathfinder -  Wrath of the Righteous]
The party shaman was originally a gardener on a nobleman's estate. He was initially uncomfortable and timid about using a weapon. As we prepared to face some demons, the bloodrager suggested that the shaman use a morningstar he recently acquired. 
GM: "You get the feeling that fighting with that" (eyes the shaman) "not necessarily effectively..."
Shaman: "Hey, I've been fighting with my eyes open for at least a level now!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The shaman's spirit animal is a monkey. 
GM to shaman: "Your monkey dives into your pack."
Bloodrager: "And then something wet trickles down your back!"
Shaman: "My soup!"
GM: "Is it split pee?"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
The slayer was having a bad day. He had failed two saving throws, and a demon had just dealt him a critical attack using a scythe for which the critical success damage mulitplier was x4. 
Slayer (enthusiastically): "I'm dancing in my own blood!"

What If? Alternate History Lord of the Rings

I've been thinking about Lord of the Rings things and roleplaying today, and that brought another topic to mind: how to roleplay in the LOTR setting.

There have been several different LOTR/Hobbit/Middle-Earth roleplaying rules sets issued over the years, especially by MERP (Middle-Earth Role Playing) from 1984, the Lord of the Rings Adventure Game from 2002, and The One Ring from 2011. I have never had an opportunity to play using any of these rules. Despite my being a big fan of LOTR, the friends I game with aren't interested enough in the setting to want to roleplay in it, particularly since it would require using different rules than our default d20 system rules.

I have to admit, I've always found it hard to imagine playing a LOTR RPG. Though JRR Tolkien wrote about many other periods of Middle-Earth's history, the part that's best defined is the period of LOTR itself, and the tale of the Fellowship's efforts to finally defeat Sauron once and for all. But everyone knows that Frodo was the Ringbearer, and his companions were Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, and Gandalf. Who could take their place? If a group of people decide to play in the Middle-Earth setting during that time period, do they replace the original members of the Fellowship? If they do, how? If they don't, are they elsewhere fighting to prevent Sauron from noticing Frodo's actions? That doesn't sound as fun if you know someone else is off saving the world while you're just acting as a distraction.

I couldn't get my head around playing in that setting without the player-characters having to be the characters from the books, and that didn't seem like much fun to me. It would be the ultimate 'railroad' campaign, where the player-characters' actions don't count because the outcome is predetermined.

But then a friend of mine started running a Star Wars campaign taking place during the time period of the original film trilogy. The player-characters started out as slightly shady folks with their own ship, a bit like Han Solo. Then they happened to land on Tatooine just in time to get a contract to transport an old man and a teenaged boy named Luke to the planet Alderaan. Basically, the premise of the campaign was that Han Solo arrived at the Mos Eiseley Cantina too late to pick up Obi-Wan and Luke Skywalker, and as a result, the player-characters took over the roles Luke and Han played in the movies. They rescued Princess Leia from the Death Star. Eventually one of the player-characters became a Jedi and took Luke's place in going to Dagobah to train with Master Yoda, and the PCs ultimately became the heroes of the Rebellion and destroyed the Death Star. But because they were different characters than the film characters, the outcome of the campaign wasn't identical to the ending of the movie trilogy.

After witnessing this, I started to think differently about how a group of players could play through LOTR and still have fun. How would things happen differently if the heroes weren't Frodo and his friends? Looking back on the history of Sauron and the One Ring, I'm trying to work out what direction such a campaign could take.

There's a lot of coincidence in LOTR. Isildur loses the Ring. Hundreds or thousands of years later, it's found by Deagol. Smeagol then takes the Ring from him and goes into hiding. Centuries later, Bilbo happens upon it in the goblin cave where Gollum is hiding. It isn't until Gandalf realizes what it is that the trajectory of the Ring starts to involve some conscious decisions. But what if Isildur had never lost the Ring, or if someone of his household had managed to find it immediately after his death? Perhaps the Ring could have been kept, openly or in secret, by the royal house of Gondor until that line faded. Maybe the Ring came under the control of the Stewards of Gondor after the royal line failed. It could have subtly influenced everything the rulers of Gondor did for centuries, making that kingdom into a very different place than it is in LOTR.

Or the Ring could have been put away in a treasure house and forgotten as the centuries passed and rulership of the country passed from one family to another. Then perhaps it could be stolen by a thief or found by a servant, and the story of its journey toward destruction could begin.

Going at the concept from another angle, Sauron could have succeeded in bringing Elves, Men, and Dwarves under his control through use of the Rings of Power, and the campaign could become a struggle to save the world from an eternity of darkness. The player-characters could be part of a rebel organization recruited to get the Ring and destroy it, which would make for a much darker and more challenging campaign.

For a campaign with a lighter tone and hewing closer to the original plot of the books, Frodo could refuse to take the Ring himself and instead a different group of characters could volunteer for that task, characters with different personalities and skills than the characters from the books. Meanwhile the book characters could be the ones organizing behind the scenes, forging alliances and attacking Sauron's forces to prevent the Dark Lord from noticing the party inching toward Mount Doom. This would give the player-characters the opportunity to meet the book characters, perhaps even to be their friends or family members, while the PCs remain the stars of the show.

Players can often be inventive in solving problems in roleplaying games. It would be interesting to see how a completely different group of people would try to solve the problem of getting access to Mount Doom without being caught by Sauron's forces. Would they sneak into Mordor disguised as orcs or Easterlings? Would they try to skirt around to the far side of the territory while Sauron's attention was directed at Rohan and Gondor? Would they recruit all the forces of Gondor, Rohan, Rivendell, Lothlorien, and the Misty Mountain to invade Mordor with a massive army? There are plenty of possibilities.

I doubt I'll ever get a chance to find out what an alternate version of LOTR would be like, and in some ways I think that's probably a good thing. I'm so invested in that world that I might make a nuisance of myself if the other players didn't treat the setting and its history with proper respect. But just the same, I'd still like an opportunity to try a LOTR roleplaying game myself someday.

Tolkien TV

Less than a month ago, Amazon announced that they would be optioning the Lord of the Rings as a new streaming series, to compete with HBO's highly successful Game of Thrones adaptation. Details are sparse thus far, but the information available states that they intend to tell new stories set prior to the LOTR trilogy. Whether these stories will feature characters and settings familiar from the LOTR and Hobbit films or new ones is unknown.

I was not as displeased with the trio of Hobbit films as many fans, though I can't deny that I find some flaws with them. I'm also not a great fan of Game of Thrones, in either its literary or television form. What I am is a great fan of Tolkien's literary world-building and the other stories he told beyond The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, in The Silmarillion and the various other books (The Lays of Beleriand, The Children of Hurin, Beren and Luthien) that his descendants have published from his notes. As a result of these opinions, I'm ambivalent about a LOTR tv series. But I'm not completely opposed to it, so long as it isn't the kind of misuse of the setting that has recently appeared in the PC/console game world - yes, I'm looking at you, Shadow of War. If the producers of the new series completely discard what's canon from the books in favor of making something that wears the skin of Tolkien over a blatant imitation of Game of Thrones, then it's guaranteed I won't be watching.

But if initial previews indicate that the production team are respectful of the source material, I'll give it a chance. Like many Tolkien fans, I have a strong desire to see more of his work visualized. For me, the LOTR film trilogy was like bringing my imagination to life. I forgave Peter Jackson the changes he made to the story because it was all so beautifully realized and he clearly loved the source material so much (one may ask how he could willingly change anything if he loved the source material, but that's a discussion for another post). I wish that Jackson's team could make film adaptations of some of Tolkien's other tales of Middle-Earth, without the Hollywood marketing machine pushing him to manipulate it to suit their desires, as reportedly happened with the Hobbit films. I think some of the stories of Middle-Earth that take place prior to the creation of the Rings of Power are more than worthy of being translated for film or television. I don't think that's what Amazon is going to do, though. But if I had a magic wand (or a Ring of Power) to make them produce a tv series based on what I'd like to see, here's what I think they should do.

One of the tales that I feel could potentially compete with the broad saga of Game of Thrones is the story of Feanor and the Silmarils. While Tolkien's writings carry no hint of the sexuality rampant (pun intended) in GoT, there is plenty of intrigue, adventure, and action available to build an exciting series from. For those who've never read The Silmarillion (shame on you) or don't remember it, the Silmarils are three magical gems created by the Elf prince Feanor in the realm of Valinor, which is essentially Heaven for Middle-Earth, especially for Elves. All of the characters in the tale of Feanor are Elves, which I'll admit could possibly be a problem for a tv series, since audiences generally tend to want characters they can relate to. But setting aside the issue of all non-human characters, I think a good writing team could make this work. Feanor could be a compelling lead; he's a proud, brilliant, fiery character who creates something that even the Valar (the demigods of Tolkien's world setting) are incapable of replicating. His obsession with his creation ruins his life and the lives of all seven of his sons, as well as those of many other Elves, and brings endless strife to what was once an idyllic place. There's even a villain, Melkor, who is rather like Loki from the Marvel films but darker and even more powerful. 

It would take some work to flesh out any characters other than Feanor himself. Most of the other characters in the saga, such as Feanor's seven sons, his father, and his various half-brothers, are mere cyphers. His wife is hardly more than a name. But that lack of definition leaves lots of room for talented screenwriters to develop the characters. There are plenty of battles as well, and magic. And if there's a desire to link the movies to the series, they could always include Galadriel - she is the daughter of one of Feanor's half-brothers.

But if a story of the Elves and the gods set before the Sun or the Moon even existed doesn't excite a creator, then the production team could always turn to the travails of Beren and Luthien instead. At least Beren is human, and it's a love story about a couple who keep getting separated and end up having to go on a long quest. It's a follow-on from Feanor's story, since part of the quest they undertake is to recover the Silmarils from Morgoth (aka Melkor) after he manages to steal a couple of them. In my dream series, both the story of the Silmarils and of Beren and Luthien would be told.

If the story of the Silmarils or of Beren and Luthien's romance isn't appealing enough, there's the tale of the Numenorean kings and how they were misled into destroying themselves by the duplicity of Sauron, Morgoth's minion. There aren't that many Numenorean characters described in detail in Tolkien's writing, but good screenwriters could flesh that out. Palace intrigue, sex, violence - all of those things could be added to make the story more appealing to modern audiences (even if sex and overt violence aren't very Tolkien). Following the Numenoreans would have the advantage of having mostly human characters, with a few Elves and Dwarves thrown in for flavor. Gandalf could show up since he was around then (though technically he would probably have been known as Mithrandir). The stories could also include themes of racism and religious conflict, as the later Numenorean kings came to resent the Elves and turned away from worshipping the supreme deity Eru Iluvatar in favor of worshipping Morgoth.

I don't know what Amazon will do with this property, or even if they'll actually follow through. I admit there's a part of me that doesn't want a 'modern' story full of sex and violence, and worries that they'll try too hard to emulate Game of Thrones' style in an attempt to repeat its success. I'd like to see a story that stays closer to Tolkien's romantic, other-worldly vision of Middle-Earth while eliminating some of his implied sexism and racism. But I'll try to keep an open mind until I find out what Amazon is really going to do.

Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 4

More game session fun...

[D&D 3.5 - The Viridian Legacy]
During one D&D campaign, the party members were on a mission to retrieve a powerful artifact from a dragon's hoard. At some earlier point they had acquired a string of beads that could cause blindness when thrown if the target failed a saving throw. They decided to try to use the beads against the dragon to give themselves an advantage. Each member of the group took one bead. After they entered the dragon's lair, everyone threw their beads simultaneously.
The GM rolled the dragon's saving throw versus blindness - and on the first save rolled a 1, an automatic failure. The dragon was now blind. The GM continued to roll saves for each bead, and rolled a second 1. 
With the dragon blinded, the party's gnome beguiler made himself ethereal, and floated through the dragon's abdominal wall into its stomach, for the party had determined that the dragon had swallowed the artifact. Etherealness kept the dragon's digestive juices from harming the gnome at first, but he had to become solid again in order to try to pry the artifact out of the dragon's stomach wall where it had become embedded. Once he had done so, he pulled a figurine of wondrous power in the shape of a bronze griffin out of his pocket and it grew large enough at his command that it could claw its way out of the dragon through its belly. 
Then the gnome burst out of the dragon's belly astride the griffin, brandishing the giant crystal over his head.

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
Player 1: "Antitoxins work best if they're used before you're toxinated."
Player 2: "I'm so intoxinated right now."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The players were trying to skirt around a pressure plate that triggered a trap. They ended up putting a collapsible plank across the plate to get past it. 
GM: "So you're all charging down the hallway and stomping on the area beside the plank?"
Player: "I river-dance on it."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The campaign location has an Egyptian theme, with a lot of names beginning with P followed by another consonant. The players started adding a P to the beginning of other words, especially p-dick, as in "What a p-dick!" or "That's a p-dick move!"
This finally culminated when they found two identical corridors in the dungeon they were exploring. 
Player: "At least they were p-symmetrical p-dicks."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
GM: "You have found the Tomb of Akhan-tepi."
Player: "I thought we'd been in the tomb of Akhan-tepi all along!"
GM: "Now you're in the tomb-tomb of Akhan-tepi-tepi."

[D&D5e - The City, Reborn]
The GM was trying to describe to a player how a character would feel when affected by necrotic damage. 
Other player: "For a moment you're languid with ennui."

[D&D5e - The City, Reborn]
The party's fighter was terrified of a visit from his "grannies". There seem to be a lot more of them than an ordinary person would have. We were discussing why he had so many grannies. 
Another player: "It takes a whole village to raise a [Fighter]."

[D&D5e - The City, Reborn]
The characters frequent an inn where one of the servers is an older lady who's not terribly attractive. 
GM (to fighter's player): "You catch her eye and she winks at you."
Fighter: "Ugh!" (shudders)

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
Player (looking at the Pathfinder app on his iPad): "There's a typo. The name of the spell is naturalize poison."  (The actual name of the spell should have been 'neutralize poison'.)

Other player: "It's not foreign poison, this is a domestic poison."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The party had acquired two jars of a perfume called nard.
Three players (simultaneously): "Now we have a pair of nards!"

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
As the party explored the interior of a subterranean tomb: 

Player: "Next up on 'Flip This Pyramid...'"

The trend of adding P to words continued in the Egyptian campaign.
Player: "They're P-mining beetles! Oh, P-shit!"

[D&D5e - The City, Reborn]
Years ago there was a comedy radio play about D&D in which one of the characters, upon being told he could only see darkness ahead, announced, "I attack the darkness!"

During one adventure the intrepid adventurers were under attack by some shadowy creatures. My character noticed an area of unnatural darkness. A Perception check combined with his ability to see in darkness told him there was a creature inside it.

With great glee, I shouted, "I attack the darkness!"

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
Player 1 (to the party shaman): "Could you 'create water' on it? That helps me when I'm sticky."

Player 2: "We don't want to hear about your weekends."

[Pathfinder - Mummy's Mask]
The GM held up the Adventure Path module, open to a page containing an illustration of a mummy, and announced to no one in particular:

GM: "I'm not looking at this page for any particular reason."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The party's alchemist liked to dissect monsters. His alchemy lab was full of monster organs in jars.

During one session, he was subject to a spell effect that left him Stunned for several rounds.

Player: "[Alchemist], look at the pretty stars!"
Alchemist: "...and hearts... and livers..."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The alchemist drank a potion of 'countless eyes' every day, so he was constantly covered in eyes. During one session he also drank a potion that gave him the Scent ability, in order to track someone.

Other player: "So if he's exposed to onions, do all his eyes water?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Near the end of the session, the alchemist was chasing someone. He was flying, and to give himself reach, he drank a potion of 'enlarge person'.

Other player: "You don't see an 11-foot-tall flying dwarf covered with eyes every day."
Cleric: "Thank [goddess]!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
GM: "I don't expect half of what you players do, but I roll with the punches."
Monk: "Good, because I flurry!"
GM: "I can't roll that fast."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The alchemist made himself several simulacra, which he could transfer his consciousness between at will. He was also known for his abrasive personality.

Cleric: "[Alchemist] doesn't know anything about personal relationships."
Alchemist: "I totally understand personal relationships!"
Inquisitor (referring to the alchemist's simulacra): "He has five of them right now!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
Later, we were still giving the alchemist a hard time. 
Alchemist: "I bought a magic item to talk to people."
Fighter: "It costs 2 gold pieces per minute on weekdays, and 3 gold pieces on weekends."

Not a tabletop roleplaying experience, but my husband was playing The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim. When his character killed a draugr (a type of undead, for those not familiar with this game): 

Husband: "I deaded it."
Me: "You mean you re-deaded it."
Husband (in mock radio announcer voice): "'This re-deadification brought to you by Solstheim. I'm Casey Hergenjergen.'"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
Shaman: "My Profession is gardener, not murderhobo."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
GM: "The mongrelman stabs you with his rusty broken sword, the cowardly bastard. That's his name, by the way, Cowardly Bastard."
Brawler and wizard (in stereo): "CB for short!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
Shaman: "What's the creature's special attack?"
GM: "Constrict."
Brawler: "It likes to cuddle."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]
GM: "What's touch of evil? I can't remember what that does."
Player: "Does it make you feel a little bit naughty?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Alchemist's player (reading from a rulebook):
"'The alchemist creates a simulacrum. a soulless body' - which isn't that far from normal."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
The alchemist's player got some food stuck in his beard. (Note - the only beardless players in our group are myself and the wife of the alchemist's player.)

Other player: "With all the beards around this table, if you brush it out, it will get stuck in somebody's beard."

The GM described how during the preious week's session, when he rolled for damage healed by two potions, he rolled a 1 and a 2.
Player: "Dammit, I knew I should have checked the 'bless by' date on those potions!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]

GM (to player who keeps making bad jokes): You're getting docked XP right and left."
Player: "Yay! My ship just docked."
GM: "Your ship has sailed."
Player: "The ship carrying your XP sank off the Cape of Good Hope."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]

Player 1: "Why does Obi-Wan seem like a baked bean sandwich kind of guy?"
Player 2: "No, that would be O-Beano-Wan."

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]

The wizard made several unsuccessful attempts to harm enemies with a 'ray of frost' spell. When she finally succeeded: 

Other Player: "So that's what that does!"

[Pathfinder - Wrath of the Righteous]

The GM was searching for some minis to use for the next scene. 
Player (hosting the game): "Do you need some ghouls dressed as clowns? I have some of those."
GM (bemused): "No... not right now."
Other Player: "Thank god!"

Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 3

Continuing my storehouse of silly things my gaming group have said over the years...

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker] GM: "Wow, the cyclops has +41 Perception."
Player: "Not depth perception."

[Star Wars: A New New Hope] 
The group includes a droid named A-R-D, usually pronounced "Ahrd". 
GM: "To hit ARD..."
Player 1: "Would that be a ThARD roll?"
Player 2: "It's not that ThARD."
(In previous versions of D&D, there was a statistic known as Thac0, commonly pronounced "Thack-Oh", which stood for "To hit AC 0". This was used to determine whether an attack was successful. Only old-school D&D players would get this pun.)


[D&D5e: The City Reborn]

The warlock character was a teenaged boy who hadn't yet figured out how to talk to girls. He met up with one of the other PCs at a tavern, where his friend was dining with a pretty girl who kept trying to talk to the warlock. The warlock was very embarrassed.

He had a very pale complexion, so when the GM said the girl kept talking to him, the player described him as blushing bright red. The other players all had fun having their PCs make comments about why the warlock was so red, and asking him if he was sick.

The warlock had also taken the 'Mask of Many Faces' eldritch invocation, which allowed him to use 'disguise self' at will. During the discussion of his blushing:

Fighter: "You could have used your 'disguise self' to make yourself look like yourself, only without the blush!"

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
The party had just slain three thugs who tried to ambush them in the street. The wizard had blasted one of them with a 'witch bolt' spell. After he died, she was so angry she blasted his corpse a second time. 

GM: "The corpse jerks and dances. See, the dead can dance!"

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
The group has a running joke from an old Star Wars campaign - when someone gets killed in Star Wars, we say, "Smoke comes out his blaster hole".

The Fighter in this D&D game is the GM of the Star Wars game. After the corpse was blasted a second time: 

Fighter: "Smoke rolls out of his 'witch bolt' hole."

[Star Wars: A New New Hope]

Player 1 (singing): "Killing them softly with our guns, killing them softly with our guns.."
Player 2 (playing a droid): "I'm not killing them. I'm aggressively deactivating them."

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]
The warlock has just demonstrated his newly-acquired ability to cast 'disguise self' at will.

Rogue: "You could be the king of dine-and-dash!"

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]

Wizard: "I cast 'witch bolt'."
Fighter: "Which bolt do you cast?"

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]

The fighter and wizard got into a fight with a group of thugs. One of the thugs was named Ali the Weasel. After Ali the Weasel was knocked down, the wizard cast 'sleep' on him. Then the fighter picked him up and dumped him in a cart full of chamber pot offal.

Rogue: "His name's Ali Smelly ben Smelly now."

[D&D5e: The City Reborn]

The warlock demonstrates to the other PCs that he can communicate with them telepathically.

Fighter: "Can you hear what I'm thinking?"
Rogue: "You'd have to have a thought."

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]

GM: "You've got two lizards on ya."
Player: "Two lizard lasagna?"

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]

The ranger was up in a tree, shooting at things. A fire toad set the tree on fire. 
Player: "Doesn't this tree have treevasion?"

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]

Two players were talking about a third player whose PC was recently the victim of a 'magic jar' spell, which trapped his consciousness in a container and left his body an empty husk. 
Player 1: "This is your favorite body?"
Player 2: "It's where he keeps all his stuff."

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
The players were attempting to remove an evil sigil from a tree. 
Player 1: "The tree doesn't expect that. I attack its limbic system."
Player 2: "Let's get to the root of it!"
Player 3: "Please, just leaf."

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
The group encountered a portal to a realm of evil and were trying to determine how to permanently close or destroy it. The players were speculating on what their enemies would do when they found their portal unusable. 
Player 1: "This portal is out of warranty. We can't work on it."
Player 2: "We don't support Interdimensional Portal version 2.0."

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
The players had found two interdimensional portals in close proximity. These portals were both represented by doors, which they assumed were used to make the portal locations more obvious. They discovered that the portals could be moved, so they thought at first they could bury the portals. But they found that it was only possible to move the portals horizontally,  not vertically, so they couldn't tip the doors over on the ground and cover them with earth. 

Then one of the players had a brilliant idea: they would push the two doors together, face-to-face, and encase them in stone using a 'stone shape' spell. Any creature emerging from one portal would immediately be shunted through the other. 

When last they checked the location, their enemies still hadn't sent anyone to reset the two portals.

[Pathfinder: Kingmaker]
The GM read the players some information about the abilities of hydras. 
GM: "A hydra can always see you coming, even if he's too fat to move."
Player (as hydra): "'I can see you. Don't make me get off this couch.'"

Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 4

Don't Take This Game Too Seriously, part 2

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]
GM: "You guys kill me."
Player: "Well, we try, but you keep ambushing us."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

GM: "So you'll trust the bloodthirsty goblins but not the harpies. You guys kill me."
Player: "We kill you? How much XP do we get?" 

GM: "Well I'm not a very good GM so my CR (challenge rating) must be pretty low."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

Player: "Everyone's got a role in the party. Mine is to roll ones."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

GM: "As you look around, you see other shelves on the mountainsides."
Player 1: "Great, we're on a display shelf!"
GM: "It's a diorama."
Player 2: "A dire-rama?"

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

Player 1: "I don't want to see harpies dancing."
Player 2: "It's better than listening to them sing."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

Player 1: "I'm going to spell and run."
Player 2: "What are you going to spell?"
Player 1: "F-i-r-e-b-a-l-l."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

GM: "Something emerges out of the shadows."
Player 1: "I hate those guys."
Player 2: "What the hell is that!?"
Player 1: "One of those guys I hate."

[D&D 3.5 Eberron]

On one occasion we were trying to figure out what to send to someone via a 'message' spell, which has a limit of 25 words. These were some of the suggestions:
"The trip's been easy so far."
"There's a great price on shoes here."
"That sandwich I had for lunch was delicious."
"Stay away from power lines."
"Oh my gawd, what the hell is that?!!"
"Aaaaarrrgggghhh....!"
"Our party leader is insane, my job is impossible."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The inquisitor of Cayden Cailean used an enchanted dwarven mug as his preferred weapon. 
Inquisitor: "I've got my mug that is cold, flaming, and exuding divine fury."

Ranger: "What kind of coffee drink is THAT?!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

GM to cleric: "You're pretty good with aminals - animals... like I am with talking."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

GM (speaking as an NPC): "There are no rose-colored glasses here." (Looks at a player) "Take those off."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

GM (describing the devil attacking the party's fighter):
"The big creature pulls out his nastiness and thrusts it at you."
Player 1: "Ew, he's thrusting his nastiness at you!" 

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1: "The devil's running on adrenalin now."
Player 2: "No, he's running on infernalin."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
One of the players painted a mini of the campaign's major villain, a cyclops, and had it sitting on the table even though the villain NPC wasn't present during that part of the game. During combat the player moved the mini closer to the party minis. 
Player 1: "Stop moving that mini closer! I don't want to see him that close."
Player 2: "But he has bad depth perception. He can't tell how far away he is."
Player 3 (speaking as the cyclops): "I'm not that close."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]
A devil arrived in a wagon drawn by undead horses. 
GM: "The horses have already been risen twice."
Player: "They're leavened horses."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1 (to the inquisitor): "Did you bane today, dear?"
Inquisitor: "I baned twice."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

A player-character was being affected by a 'heat metal' spell that caused his metal armor to become extremely uncomfortable, but was in no way life-threatening.
Player: "Do you want me to get out a burning skeleton mini to replace him?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1: "Let's take the eyes out of that statue."
Player 2: "I get out my greataxe."
Player 1: "Let's take the eyes out of that statue carefully."
Player 2: "Okay, I'll use my smallest axe."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The alchemist has a familiar named Cyst. 
Player: "It's his a-Cyst-ant."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1: "We're here to get the bow. Everything else is a bonus."
Player 2: "A bow-ness?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party alchemist loves to dissect things. The party were just attacked by some spirit wolves. 
Alchemist: "I want to know what was inside of those spirit wolves."
GM: "Bourbon."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

Player 1 to Player 2 (who's running an elf):
"You can't sleep unless you've got your arms around a tree."
Player 2: "I like waking up with morning wood."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

One player is running a character named Dom. He was expressing some doubts about our plans. 
Player: "Okay, Doubting Domus."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party had come upon a wizard's lair that was guarded by a giant. By this point the party  fighter was unconscious, the giant was in bad shape, and the inquisitor was technically dead after being pummeled unconscious and then set on fire.

GM: "The giant is hurting. He can barely keep his eyes open."
Fighter: "I don't notice because I can't keep my eyes open."
Inquisitor: "At least you have eyes."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party oracle had done a 'holy smite', but unfortunately one of the PCs who wasn't good-aligned happened to be within the smiting area. 
Oracle: "You take three points of damage."
Other player: "Ow! I'm dead."
Oracle: "Seriously?!"
Third player: "He had a pre-existing condition. It wasn't covered by his insurance."

(This was probably much funnier to me and the oracle's player than to anyone else. I work for an insurance company, and the oracle's player works for a healthcare organization.)

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party's alchemist had been caught in a 'magic jar' effect, and the party members had yet to figure out how to free him. Just after this unfortunate even occurred to the alchemist, the party acquired a 'corspe carrying bag', which magically preserves corpses. 
After the party finished fighting several shadow demons:

GM: "The shadow demons could do 'magic jar' once a day."
Player: "Now I'm imagining the entire party in the corpse carrying bag and the halfling slowly dragging all our bodies back home!"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party had entered a room that they had to access by swimming through a submerged passageway and climbing up a flight of steps. The room was occupied by a couple of large zombies. The GM described a horrible stench in the room, then asked for Fortitude saves.

The party cleric failed his save, and the player described the character as vomiting.

Player: "Are the wet stairs difficult terrain?"
GM: "No."
Player: "What about the space next to the cleric?"

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The adventuring party found an NPC commoner being held prisoner in a dungeon. The GM gave the NPC to one of the players to run, because the party would be in the dungeon for days and it was located in a wilderness far from the commoner's home, so the party members couldn't very well send him off on his own.

The commoner had an unusual surname. The player who was given him to run was intrigued by this name, and decided to give the NPC a backstory in which his grandfather was a former adventurer who told tall tales. But when the player tried to introduce this backstory to the rest of the group, he received this response:

Player 1: "You have a grandfather. That implies you have a backstory. That's all you need."
Player 2: "You must be this level to have a backstory." (holds his hand out as if indicating height) 

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

While discussing what 'stone salve' does: 

"If your stoneskin lasts more than four hours, contact your cleric."

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The party found a room containing a statue of a cyclops with one hand over its eye. Player 1 went to investigate the room. 
Player 1: "I gesture for you all to come into the room. It's safe."
Player 2: "You'll have to gesture pretty hard. We're not looking at you."
Player 3: "We're all like this." (puts his hand over his eyes)

[Pathfinder - Kingmaker]

The inquisitor used his 'door sight' ability to look through the door of another room. 
Inquisitor: "Inside the room there's something in chains."
Three players (in unison): "Alice!"